Joke of the Day

[Tonerbomb]

Re: Joke of the Day

These may help you.

This doesn't show the "Automatically size up her breasts gland" It's right next to the "Crotch scanning gland!

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

This doesn't show the "Automatically size up her breasts gland" It's right next to the "Crotch scanning gland!

Like .... That is so true. Must blokes from high school age an older are able to tell the age of a girl/women by her breasts. If they're still pointed outward she's under 25. If they hang down between her bellybutton/naval she above 60....An so it becomes a sliding scale between 16 to 90 ....Which leaves us with the main reason why the brains breast scanning gland is a very true function of most men...Of cause myself being like most men,I would never admit to the above....

[mohan]

Re: Joke of the Day

An American tourist is in a sleepy Mexican town and realises his watch has stopped. He see's a Mexican having a siesta with his donkey parked next to him, so he walks up and asks him the time. The Mexican lifts up his sombrero, grabs the donkeys balls, takes a look and says: ''Twenty-past eleven''. Needless to say the American is surprised, so he asks: ''How can you tell the time by looking at a donkeys bollocks?''. The Mexican says: ''I no look at the bollocks, I look at the town hall clock. The bollocks she's just in the way.

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

http://www.dilbert.com/strips/comic/2013-11-15/

Well, I thought it was funny.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.
Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??
His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

• 
  
  

Finally, a true and accurate delineation of your character, based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of your birth.




Now choose your applicable sign:


What is your sign?

AQUARIUS You have an inventive mind and are a progressive thinker. You also lie a lot and are inclined to be careless and impractical, making the same mistakes over and over. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

PISCES You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA. You have some influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. Underneath it all you lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a lot.

ARIES You are the pioneer type and have strong leadership tendencies, but you regard others with contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and don't take well to advice. You are a Melvin.

TAURUS You are down to earth and persistent. You are determined and can work like hell. Most people think that you are a pig headed not the best. You're probably a communist.

GEMINI You are quick and intelligent - a thinker. People like you because you are bisexual, You are also a cheap bar steward, expecting everything for nothing. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER You are extremely sensitive by nature and very caring. You are a wimp, You are hopeless at making decisions and that is why you will always be on welfare and you will never be worth a lot.

LEO Leo people are born leaders but most people think they are just pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. They are assholes who break down under honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo People are thieving bullies who kiss mirrors a lot.

VIRGO You are the logical type and detest disorder. Nit-picking makes your friends sick. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA Librans are lucky in employment and financial matters. You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male then you are probably queer. Most Libran woman are whores. All Librans die of V. D.

SCORPIO You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will reach the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect Son of a bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS You are optimistic and enthusiastic with a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. Most Sagitarians are drunks or pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always messing things up.

CAPRICORN you are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance, you should kill yourself.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day. Jesus walks up to the bar, but it's closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?" The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender. After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps. Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees. But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar. The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing shit long enough to ask "Is this some kind of a joke?"

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

Most Libran woman are whores. All Librans die of V. D.

At least I'll have fun

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day. Jesus walks up to the bar, but it's closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?" The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender. After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps. Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees. But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar. The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing shit long enough to ask "Is this some kind of a joke?"

[KapeKopyTek]

Re: Joke of the Day

• 
  
  

Finally, a true and accurate delineation of your character, based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of your birth.




Now choose your applicable sign:


What is your sign?

AQUARIUS You have an inventive mind and are a progressive thinker. You also lie a lot and are inclined to be careless and impractical, making the same mistakes over and over. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

PISCES You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA. You have some influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. Underneath it all you lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a lot.

ARIES You are the pioneer type and have strong leadership tendencies, but you regard others with contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and don't take well to advice. You are a Melvin.

TAURUS You are down to earth and persistent. You are determined and can work like hell. Most people think that you are a pig headed not the best. You're probably a communist.

GEMINI You are quick and intelligent - a thinker. People like you because you are bisexual, You are also a cheap bar steward, expecting everything for nothing. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER You are extremely sensitive by nature and very caring. You are a wimp, You are hopeless at making decisions and that is why you will always be on welfare and you will never be worth a lot.

LEO Leo people are born leaders but most people think they are just pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. They are assholes who break down under honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo People are thieving bullies who kiss mirrors a lot.

VIRGO You are the logical type and detest disorder. Nit-picking makes your friends sick. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA Librans are lucky in employment and financial matters. You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male then you are probably queer. Most Libran woman are whores. All Librans die of V. D.

SCORPIO You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will reach the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect Son of a bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS You are optimistic and enthusiastic with a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. Most Sagitarians are drunks or pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always messing things up.

CAPRICORN you are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance, you should kill yourself.

I AM NOT A COMMUNIST! Although that's a somewhat better alternative than most of the others.....

[mohan]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man walks into a bar, and there's a 12 inch tall man playing a piano. He says to the barman: ''What's this?''. Barman says: ''I'll tell you later, What would you like to drink?''. Man says: ''Oh I don't know what I am in the mood for..''. Barman says: '' Try one of our 'magic' beers''. Man says: ''Magic beer? what's that?''. Barman says: ''Drink it down in one gulp, then rub the bottle. See what happens!''. Man says: ''OK, I'll try one''. He takes the bottle, downs it in one, rubs the bottle. Smoke appears from the bottle, smoke clears, and there's a genie standing there. Genie say's: ''Make a wish and I will grant it''. Man says ''Great! I want a million bucks!''. Genie says ''Your wish is granted!'' and disappears. As soon as he disappears, a million ducks suddenly appear out of thin air. They are all over the place. Man says: ''Ducks?, I said a million BUCKS!'' Barman says: ''And what?, you think I wanted a 12 inch PIANIST?''

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

little old lady goes into the police station and says ive been raped .the policeman said that's terrible when did it happen .
she said 1920 .he said you have left it a bit late to report it .she said I know ,I just like talking about it.


blonde goes into the police station and says I have been graped.the policeman says do you mean raped ,she said no there was a bunch of them.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man is driving across the state to see his wife when he sees a Native American hitchhiker on the side of the road. Thinking he could do with some company, he pulls over and lets the man in, offering him a ride home.
The Native man is grateful, but our driver notices that he keeps eyeing the large bottle of gin on the floor of the passenger seat. Not wanting the guy to get any ideas, he says "Ah, I got that bottle for my wife."
The Native man says nothing for a few moments, then softly replies
"Good trade."

[Tonerbomb]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man is driving across the state to see his wife when he sees a Native American hitchhiker on the side of the road. Thinking he could do with some company, he pulls over and lets the man in, offering him a ride home.
The Native man is grateful, but our driver notices that he keeps eyeing the large bottle of gin on the floor of the passenger seat. Not wanting the guy to get any ideas, he says "Ah, I got that bottle for my wife."
The Native man says nothing for a few moments, then softly replies
"Good trade."

LIKE !!! That is soooo not PC ...........................