Joke of the Day

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face,
and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk,
he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.
Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.
'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, neither did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Vegetarian.jpg

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

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[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

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And of course, there are the "jumbo shrimp".

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

And of course, there are the "jumbo shrimp".

Also
" Military Intelligence "

[ZOOTECH]

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish.
"Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?"
The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl, that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides its time to propose. So he heads to her fathers house to ask his permission.
"Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand"
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?"
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Vegearian2.jpg

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Drunk.jpg

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his death row client.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet and said "They're not hanging Wright tonight!"
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Dave was at work and he was bragging that he knows everyone in the world. One day his boss had enough and told him to prove that he knows everyone in the world.
Dave said "name anyone in the world and we will go meet them, they will know me", his boss replies with "Tom Cruise".
So they fly out to Tom Cruise's home and knock on the door. Tom leans out and shouts "Oh, hey Dave, come in and have a cup of coffee and we will catch up".
The boss is a little shocked but thinks its just luck , so Dave replies again with "Name someone".

The boss quickly says "Barack Obama".

So they fly out the White house and catch him on his way to a meeting. Barack notices Dave and shouts " ahh Dave good to see you again, come on in and have a cup of coffee and we will catch up on old times".
At this moment the boss is shocked but expresses his doubts. Dave replies again with "name someone" and the boss quickly states "The Pope".

So they fly out to the Vatican where the pope is making a public announcement to the masses. Dave worries that he won't get the pope's attention from here so he says "I will go inside, the guards know me and will let me inside and in 30 minutes I will emerge on that balcony with the pope", and off he went.

30 minutes later, like he said Dave emerged on the balcony with the pope and then he returns to his boss. To his surprise , the boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Dave rushes to the bosses side and asked what happened.

The boss replied, "Oh I was fine until you came out onto the balcony with the pope, and then some random stranger nudged me and said "Who the f*ck is that on the balcony with Dave?"

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,

Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off

He asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied,

Still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park;

The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,

The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's

Where he ordered her a Happy Meal

With extra fries and a chocolate shake..

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,

A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's..

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband

And collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile

And lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened

And her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it fuckin' Wrong.