Joke of the Day

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

While in China , an American man is very sexually
promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one
morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified,
he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having
seen anything like this before, orders some tests
and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a
couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've
contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US
, we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to
have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but
surgery is your only option."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know
more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can
we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah,
always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Faw off by itself!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.
As the plane begins to accelerate, the passengers see the end of the runway rapidly approaching, with certain doom awaiting at the end if the pilots really can't see what they're doing. Just before the end of the runway, all the passengers scream together--right before the plane lifts off. They're a little upset, but relieved that the pilots aren't really blind.
In the cockpit, the pilot turned to his copilot and remarked: "you know, Lou, one of these days they're not going to scream in time, and then we'll be in real trouble!"

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Jim's wife, Kathy, puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jim's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Jim sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. " Jim how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!! She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes ! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want." So . . . . here I am !

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman is playing golf when she gets stung by a bee. She goes into the clubhouse and tells an employee what has happened:
Woman: "Hello, I was stung by a bee."
Man: "Where were you stung?"
Woman: "Between the first hole and the second hole."
Man: "Your stance is too wide."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies..... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female
police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male,
fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the
Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and
lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home
from a drinking session and decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft
and squishy inside," he told the court, "and there was no one around for
miles, or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around," he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked
out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it,
and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "Guess I was really into it, you
know?," he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor
approached the side of his car. "It was an unusual situation, that's for
sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging
away at this pumpkin."

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence : "I had said, "excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're
having sex with a pumpkin?"."

"He froze, and he was clearly very surprised that I was there. And then he
looked me straight in the face and said, "a pumpkin? Shit! Is it midnight
already?"."

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter.

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Snow.jpg

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Witch.jpg

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Tequila.jpg

[Akitu]

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A state trooper is sitting in his car monitoring traffic. he watches as a man rolls up to a stop sign and slows down, never fully stopping, and procedes to go through the intersection. The trooper promptly turns on his lights and pulls the man over.

"Sir, you didn't stop at that stop sign." said the trooper.
"Yes I did" Snapped the driver
"No sir, you slowed down, you never fully stopped"
"STOP, SLOW DOWN, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE" yelled the man

"Sir, I am going to need you to step out of the car" said the officer
As soon as the man stepped out of the car the trooper grabbed the man in a headlock, pulled out his flashlight and started hitting him on the head with it and ask the man "Now, do you want me to stop , or do you want me to slow down?"

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

[ATTACH=CONFIG]22672[/ATTACH]

Brings to mind the song lyrics of Tom Jones or Adam Brand.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder"... This is so true...

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

[DWise]

Re: Joke of the Day

meanwhile.jpg

[ZOOTECH]