Joke of the Day

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

As I have grown older:
VIDEO SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

POLITICS

Poli- Pretains to Math, science, arts, literature, plastics.
Tics - Living parasite that feeds off other life forms for a freeride through life.

Full Meaning :something created artifical ,capable of logic and substance that feeds of others.

Why wouldn't something like that be a joke when let continue for so long.....

See, now this was actually funny. None of this "boohoo I don't like who I voted for so I'm going to bitch and moan and ignore facts" crap.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man walks into a bar... he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.
"Take this apple."
"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."
"Trust me, try the apple."
The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"
"Yup. Turn it around."
"Wow!" He says after taking a bite from the other side of the apple, "This side tastes like coke!"
Before the man can ask the barman to explain the apple's mysteries, another patron walks in.
"Vodka and tonic please mate"
"Here's an apple."
"I don't want a fuckin' apple mate, I want a..."
"Trust me, try the man's apple. They're incredible!" Interrupts the first customer.
He takes the apple and begrudgingly takes a large bite and starts spluttering; "Bloody hell this tastes like neat vodka!"
Both the barman and the first customer yell "Turn it around!" in unison. The man obliges and exclaims "Wow! This tastes like tonic water. These apples are fantastic!"
A third man saunter's up to the bar; "Pint of IPA please mate".
"Hold on!" Says the second customer. "This guy has an apple in any flavour you want, it's incredible!"
"Any flavour?" Asks the third man.
"Any flavour you want sir." Say the barman.
"In that case, gimme an apple that tastes like pussy!"
"Um.. alright" says the barman as he hands him an apple.
The man takes a bite and immediately spits everything onto the bar.
"EEErrrughcchh!!! This apple tastes like shit!!"
"TURN IT AROUND!!"

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Joke-of-the-day:
Brazil verse Germany semi-final 2014 Soccer World Cup....


Well, some witty bugger was bound to post it...

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

How not to pass a sobriety test.


https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=3714530620205

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

How not to pass a sobriety test.


https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=3714530620205

That second guy had a personal, drunken vendetta against walls. Gotta admire the bravado of the third guy though, "If I'm going down, I'm not going down easy!" Unfortunately for his poor, dumb ass, that counts as assault on an officer; and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be too lenient on pressing those charges after getting pissed on.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Moishe was on his death bed, surrounded by his whole family. Blinded by old age, he raised his head gently and looked around with rheumy eyes. "Jacob, my son, are you there?"
"Yes, Moishe, I am here," replied Jacob, solemnly.
A moment later Moishe asked, "Sarah, are you there?"
"Yes papa, I am here," his daughter Sarah assured him, patting his shoulder.
"Joshua," croaked the ailing Moshe, "Are you there?"
"I'm here poppa," said Joshua taking his hand.
Moshe raised himself on his elbow,
"Then who the hell is minding the shop?!?"

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day

My girlfriend came home early last night and nearly caught me looking at the England game. Luckily I managed to put porn on and get my c**k out in time to save any embarrassment.




Q: What's the difference between England and a tea bag? A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

My girlfriend came home early last night and nearly caught me looking at the England game. Luckily I managed to put porn on and get my c**k out in time to save any embarrassment.




Q: What's the difference between England and a tea bag? A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

The Aussies like black tea so we left the Cup about a minute later....

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when
you grow up?"

Being somewhat experience with little Johnny's answers
she tries to ignore his efforts to be called upon, but since he's
the only one with his hand up she finally asks and . . .

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the
most expensive clubs, take the hottest women with me, give
her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in
Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe,
an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a
day".

The teacher, once again shocked, and not knowing what to do with
the bad behavior of Little Johnny decides not to give notice or importance to what
he said and goes on with the lesson. But is soon relieved to see that now
Susie has her hand up.



"And you, Susie? What do you want to be when you grow up? " the teacher asks.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

[Setright]

Re: Joke of the Day

Famous Presidential Lies Contest


Obama:

• If elected I will end the war in Iraq and Afghanistan within the 1st 9 months of my term.
• I will close Guantanamo within the first 6 months of my term.

I took note of these two promises in particular, and every time I remind my countrymen they all seem to have forgotten. I live here in my native Denmark, and most people here still believe Obama is some kind of world savior.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

After his team was eliminated from the world cup, the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all expenses that fans of his country paid for to travel to Brazil.
According to sources close to the player, he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.

[Tonerbomb]

Re: Joke of the Day

I took note of these two promises in particular, and every time I remind my countrymen they all seem to have forgotten. I live here in my native Denmark, and most people here still believe Obama is some kind of world savior.

There are still plenty of these fools here in the states also, but more are starting to see the light.....................

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Keep the political crap elsewhere, this thread is for real jokes.

You are absolutely correct ..............

I took note of these two promises in particular, and every time I remind my countrymen they all seem to have forgotten. I live here in my native Denmark, and most people here still believe Obama is some kind of world savior.

There are still plenty of these fools here in the states also, but more are starting to see the light.....................

And This , Ladies and Gentlemen ( as Akitu has pointed out ) is Not a joke !

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day