Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."
The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."
The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man walks into a bar carrying an octopus. He loudly announces that his pet octopus can play ANY musical instrument it is presented with, and wages a bet that nobody can refute his claim.
From the crowd a man emerges carrying a saxophone and lays it in front of the octopus. After a few seconds of fumbling the octopus plays a beautiful saxophone solo.
The crowd is stunned.
A new contender hands the octopus a guitar, and with ease the octopus strums out some of the finest tubes the crowd had heard.
This continues as the octopus is challenged with more instruments. Each time the octopus wows the crowd with its uncanny musical talents. The owner of the octopus is collecting sizable sums of cash from each wager.
The bartender, frustrated now as his patrons are no longer shelling out cash for beer, storms off to the back of his shop and returns with a set of bagpipes.
The bagpipes are dumped in front of the octopus. The octopus slowly climbs all over the bagpipes, plucking at them with its tentacles and mouthing it softly. Minutes pass, the bar is in silence, but the octopus has done nothing but roll around and fumble with the bagpipes.
Nervously the owner of the octopus leans over to his pet and whispers - "well, hurry up and play it". The octopus pauses, loons at his owner and says "play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm going to fuck it".

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

The Kanye West self confidence generator?
The Kanye West Self-Confidence Generator
Well, OK then I guess.

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman says. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says. "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"’Ave you no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "’Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "’Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
(You're going to love this one!!!)
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?”

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day...

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod(with ear piece) - and how was your day?
>
> This is what happens when old people start using technology!

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Three engineers are riding in a car. One is a mechanical engineer, one is an electrical engineer, and one is a computer engineer.
The car breaks down and coasts to the side of the road.
"Hang on," says the mechanical engineer. "The problem is probably the engine, let me have a look at it and I'll have us on the road again in no time."
"Wait," says the electrical engineer. "The way it just stopped like that, I think it's the electrical system. Let me have a look and I'll get us going again in a minute or two."
"Hold on," says the computer engineer. "Why don't we all just get out of the car and get in again, and then see if it starts?"

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Sundance , Wyoming for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age . The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin . When he's finished , the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years , but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied : 'Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does' ..

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

They're really good at it.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

They're really good at it.

Thanks for that, it will save me a sh!t load of time next time I take the family to the zoo...

I'm always open to good advice...

[Ctl-Alt-Del]

Re: Joke of the Day

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting



"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SHIT" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Center and Claude was never invited there again.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

What do you get if you take the red dot off the Japanese flag?

The French flag!

[sdrawkcab]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Medical Distinction!

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

We've all heard of people having Guts or having Balls.

But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the Definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the Definitions.

Medically, speaking there is NO difference in the outcome.

Both are Fatal

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

How to express the fact that you are offended...

[DWise]

Re: Joke of the Day

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" asked the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard. Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a minute, shifting from one foot to another, when the young boy said "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your dad about Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

The boy thought for a minute, then said "You'll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."