Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man is fishing when he hears a voice. "Fish over here!" He looks down and sees a frog. "Really, fish over here!" So he does and catches his limit. The man decides to take the frog home, but the frog says, "A branch is gonna fall!" The man moves, and both their lives are saved.
The man decides the frog is lucky, and takes it to Las Vegas. "Put it all on 00 in roulette!", the frog says. The man does this, and gains a million dollars. He rents the presidential suite and they bask in the hot tub for a while and lay on the bed.
The man says, "Wow, you've done so much for me, I wish there was something I could do for you!" The frog tells the man to kiss it. The man obliges, and poof! The frog turns into a beautiful 17 year old girl, and I swear to God that's how she got here, Your Honour.

[copymutt]

Re: Joke of the Day

Quasimoto, after decades of ringing the bell finally passed away.

The Bishop was so distraught that he personally conducted the interviews of prospective bell ringers on site, in the bell tower. It was a long & tedious day with only one candidate left and no one measured up to Quasi's melodious rings.

As the last applicant introduced himself the Bishop was astounded, for the man had no arms! How could you possibly ring the bell w/ no arms asked the Bishop. Watch this proclaimed the man, and he proceeded to swing the bell with his foot & smash his face into it on the return swing. The sound was the most magnificent inviting ring the Bishop had ever heard! The Bishop was ecstatic, he had found his man, unfortunately on his last push of the bell the man lost his footing & crashed to the plaza below into a bloody broken heap. The people had run to the bell tower to see who was creating the wonderful music just as the Bishop made it down from the tower.

Who was he they asked. The bishop replied, I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!

Not my joke. Credit goes to Click & Clack on Cartalk

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

Quasimoto, after decades of ringing the bell finally passed away.

The Bishop was so distraught that he personally conducted the interviews of prospective bell ringers on site, in the bell tower. It was a long & tedious day with only one candidate left and no one measured up to Quasi's melodious rings.

As the last applicant introduced himself the Bishop was astounded, for the man had no arms! How could you possibly ring the bell w/ no arms asked the Bishop. Watch this proclaimed the man, and he proceeded to swing the bell with his foot & smash his face into it on the return swing. The sound was the most magnificent inviting ring the Bishop had ever heard! The Bishop was ecstatic, he had found his man, unfortunately on his last push of the bell the man lost his footing & crashed to the plaza below into a bloody broken heap. The people had run to the bell tower to see who was creating the wonderful music just as the Bishop made it down from the tower.

Who was he they asked. The bishop replied, I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!

Not my joke. Credit goes to Click & Clack on Cartalk

The one I heard before had a punch line "he's a dead ringer for Quasimoto"

[Phrag]

Re: Joke of the Day

Did you hear? Oxygen and Magnesium got together. OMg!

Should this go in a terrible pun thread?

[Phrag]

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? ...Ask them to pronounce ''unionized.''

[KenB]

Re: Joke of the Day

Did you hear? Oxygen and Magnesium got together. OMg!

Should this go in a terrible pun thread?

Yep. It certainly should!

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

An American businessman is in Japan for an important contract. Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a cute, young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't speak or understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.
The next day, he strikes the deal, and is invited to play golf with his Japanese associates. On the hardest hole of the course, one Japanese businessman manages to score an impressive hole-in-one. His colleagues start cheering him in Japanese, and the man, not wanting to be left out, starts chanting "Soko janai! Soko janai!". Suddenly everyone goes quiet, and one of them turns to him and says "No sir, I'm sure that's the right hole."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian "Do you have a book for men with small penises?"
"I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yes, that's the one."

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian "Do you have a book for men with small penises?"
"I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yes, that's the one."

I know the book . It was written by the author Justin A. Little.....

[DWise]

Re: Joke of the Day

Famous Presidential Lies Contest

LBJ:

• We were attacked (in the Gulf of Tonkin)

Nixon:

• I am not a crook

GHW Bush:

• Read my lips - No New Taxes

Clinton:

• I did not have sex with that woman... Miss Lewinski

Obama:

• I will have the most transparent administration in history.
• The stimulus will fund shovel-ready jobs.
• I am focused like a laser on creating jobs.
• The IRS is not targeting anyone.
• It was a spontaneous riot about a movie.
• I will put an end to the type of politics that "breeds division, conflict and cynicism".
• You didn't build that!
• I will restore trust in Government.
• The Cambridge cops acted stupidly.
• The public will have 5 days to look at every bill that lands on my desk
• It's not my red line - it is the world's red line.
• Whistle blowers will be protected in my administration.
• We got back every dime we used to rescue the banks and auto companies, with interest.
• I am not spying on American citizens.
• Obama Care will be good for America.
• You can keep your family doctor.
• Premiums will be lowered by $2500.
• If you like it, you can keep your current healthcare plan.
• It's just like shopping at Amazon.
• I knew nothing about "Fast and Furious" gunrunning to Mexican drug cartels.
• I knew nothing about IRS targeting conservative groups.
• I knew nothing about what happened in Benghazi.
• I have never known my uncle from Kenya who is in the country illegally and that was arrested and told to leave the country over 20 years ago.
• And, I have never lived with that uncle. He finally admitted (12-05-2013) that he DID know his uncle and that he DID live with him.
• If elected I promise not to renew the Patriot Act.
• If elected I will end the war in Irar and Afghanistan within the 1st 9 months of my term.
• I will close Guantanamo within the first 6 months of my term.
• I will bridge the gap between black and white and between America and other countries.

And the biggest one of all:

• "I, Barrack Hussein Obama, pledge to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America."

[Copier Addict]

Re: Joke of the Day

Famous Presidential Lies Contest

LBJ:

• We were attacked (in the Gulf of Tonkin)

Nixon:

• I am not a crook

GHW Bush:

• Read my lips - No New Taxes

Clinton:

• I did not have sex with that woman... Miss Lewinski

Obama:

• I will have the most transparent administration in history.
• The stimulus will fund shovel-ready jobs.
• I am focused like a laser on creating jobs.
• The IRS is not targeting anyone.
• It was a spontaneous riot about a movie.
• I will put an end to the type of politics that "breeds division, conflict and cynicism".
• You didn't build that!
• I will restore trust in Government.
• The Cambridge cops acted stupidly.
• The public will have 5 days to look at every bill that lands on my desk
• It's not my red line - it is the world's red line.
• Whistle blowers will be protected in my administration.
• We got back every dime we used to rescue the banks and auto companies, with interest.
• I am not spying on American citizens.
• Obama Care will be good for America.
• You can keep your family doctor.
• Premiums will be lowered by $2500.
• If you like it, you can keep your current healthcare plan.
• It's just like shopping at Amazon.
• I knew nothing about "Fast and Furious" gunrunning to Mexican drug cartels.
• I knew nothing about IRS targeting conservative groups.
• I knew nothing about what happened in Benghazi.
• I have never known my uncle from Kenya who is in the country illegally and that was arrested and told to leave the country over 20 years ago.
• And, I have never lived with that uncle. He finally admitted (12-05-2013) that he DID know his uncle and that he DID live with him.
• If elected I promise not to renew the Patriot Act.
• If elected I will end the war in Irar and Afghanistan within the 1st 9 months of my term.
• I will close Guantanamo within the first 6 months of my term.
• I will bridge the gap between black and white and between America and other countries.

And the biggest one of all:

• "I, Barrack Hussein Obama, pledge to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America."

Yes it certainly is a joke that you only managed to come up with one lie from Bush.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Presidential lies...

Keep the political crap elsewhere, this thread is for real jokes.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Keep the political crap elsewhere, this thread is for real jokes.

POLITICS

Poli- Pretains to Math, science, arts, literature, plastics.
Tics - Living parasite that feeds off other life forms for a freeride through life.

Full Meaning :something created artifical ,capable of logic and substance that feeds of others.

Why wouldn't something like that be a joke when let continue for so long.....

[imihm]

Re: Joke of the Day

Who's the boss

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

The Brain said "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
The Blood said "No! I should be in charge, because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the Stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the Legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the Eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
Finally the Rectum said "I should be in charge, because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the Rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the Brain had a terrible headache, the Stomach was bloated, the Legs got wobbly,
the Eyes got watery, and the Blood was toxic. They all decided that the Rectum should be the boss
The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge.

Hi all
The saying says (eat to live and not live to eat)

Thanks