Joke of the Day

[leo34staffs]

My girlfriend left a note on the television saying "Its not working. ..im leaving" I plugged it in and switched it on....nothing wrong with it.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

TAPE_STUPID.jpg

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

mother teach.jpg

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

[ATTACH=CONFIG]24972[/ATTACH]

Maybe not in the first instance, but you can certainly duct tape the bastard to a chair and tape up his mouth closed.
Then duct tape his testicles to stop the wally from breeding more idiots.

Am I allowed to say that?

Okay... I feel better now I got that off my chest........

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband." "On what grounds?"
"Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees."
"No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?"
"Yes, we have a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage."
getting exasperated "Does he beat you up?"
"No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he doesn't get up until after I've left for work."
"WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
"We just can't seem to communicate."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Goodnight Kiss

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.
A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"
The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".
The Lieutenant stares at him, mouth agape, then begins tearing into him. "What directly in the fuck did you call me Private? I am not your buddy, I am an Officer, and you will afford me all the respect deserving of my rank! Put your heels together and stand at attention when you address me!"
The Lieutenant takes a deep breath, and looks the Private who is now standing ramrod straight, over.
"Let me ask you again, Private, and chose your words carefully this time. Do you have change for a dollar?"
"I do not, sir!".

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

a lovely young girl in a wheelchair was asked out by a young man.he went to her house and picked her up
her dad said thanks for taking her out she doesn't get out much.
so off they go to a fancy restaurant and had a lovely meal.
as he pushed her home in her wheelchair she said thanks for taking me out.thats ok he said I really fancy you.
she said I fancy you too .he said can we go back to your place and make love .no she said I don't think my dad would like it .
well he said what can we do .she said how about you push me into the park and I can hang on a tree while we do it.
so that's what they did then he pushed her home.
he knocked on her door and her dad came out and said thank you son you are a true gentleman .that's ok he said we had a wonderful night.
no said her dad I really really would like to say thanks and thanks again.why all the fuss, as I said we had a lovely night and I brought her home.
that's what I mean said dad they usually leave her hanging in the tree

[leo34staffs]

Paddy is painting his lounge and his wife walks in and cant believe how well hes doing. She notices him dripping with sweat and that fact that hes wearing a parker and a leather jacket. She says no wonder your sweating. Paddys says hellloooo im just doing what it says on the tin it says "for best results put 2 coats on"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'
The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'
The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Goodnight Kiss

This joke is even better when you see it acted out on you tube as a mastercard "priceless" skit...

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, "Now...., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

Obnoxiously inoffensive?

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in COOLGARDIE when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Tipperrary baby boy.."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...

"Had him circumcised."