Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

This is an old one but I don't think that I have seen it here.

Ritchie Cunningham showed late for school one day.
The teacher asked him why he was late.
Ritchie replied "on my way to school I fell asleep on top of Blueberry Hill."

A few minutes later, a new girl in class also showed up late.
The teacher said "I suppose that that you fell asleep on top of Blueberry Hill also."

"No." she replied. "I am Blueberry Hill."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A middle-aged mother of three goes to the bar with her girlfriends one night. She'd been preoccupied with work, family, and hadn't had time for herself in a long while. As the night progresses, the three women drink quite a bit, and start talking about things they normally wouldn't mention.
The first starts complaining about how loose her vagina has gotten: "my husband can fit a whole hand in there". "That's nothing," the second woman says. "My first husband could fit a whole hand, my second husband could fit both, and my current husband can even clap his hands."
The woman listens to her friends and has nothing to add to the conversation, but starts to seriously worry about her vagina. Has she also become so loose? Perhaps her husband isn't satisfied any more. She has let herself go perhaps. So when she gets home, she goes into the bathroom and tries to look at herself naked for the first time in years. She tries to lift up one leg to look at her crotch, but she can't quite see. She lifts the other leg, but it's uncomfortable, and she still can't see. She tries lifting her legs in front of the mirror, but the angle is not right. Finally, she has an idea: she takes the mirror off the wall, and lays it down on the floor. She spreads her legs above the mirror and tries to get a good look.
At that moment, her husband rushes in and tackles her, and they both fall onto the floor really hard. "What's wrong with you?!", the woman screams in shock, as she tries to push off her husband whom had fallen on top of her.
"Don't yell at me, I saved you! You were about to fall into that sink hole!"

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Bird-Plane.jpg

[ZOOTECH]

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

CAPTAIN JACK'S SEAFOOD GRILLE ~

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner.
It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain
Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them,
they could ride their bikes there and Ann Emiliani, that cute girl in
Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed
where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed
they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because
the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band
was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet
at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was
near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be
too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses
wore low cut blouses and really tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice
wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and
they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy
and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet
at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean!

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

This is for all you vegetarians out there ........

VeggieHam.jpg

[mohan]

Re: Joke of the Day

Scientists have located the gene responsible for shyness. It was hiding behind two others!

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. "
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."
The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling down."
The third guy pulls out a box of tampons.
"What the hell are we supposed to do with those!?" ask the first two.
"Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, and play tennis with these."

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

An officer pulls up to the scene of an accident where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.
"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.
"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.
"I realize you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"

[BHRLC]

Re: Joke of the Day

THIS

http://i.imgur.com/tICJIbz.jpg

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

An officer pulls up to the scene of an accident where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.
"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.
"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.
"I realize you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"

Brings back real life memories.
"I'm n.n.not as think as you drunk I am o.o.ociffer...."

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

Brings back real life memories.
"I'm n.n.not as think as you drunk I am o.o.ociffer...."

Or "lonesthy ociffer i ain't deen brinking"