Joke of the Day

[Lagonda]

Re: Joke of the Day

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.


The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

[MjarbarV2.0]

Re: Joke of the Day

What do Lumberjacks like most on the Internet?
Logging on and off.

The Lawn Tennis Association's website is down. Apparently they're having problems with the server.

Show me a man who claims to be a medieval stringed instrument, and I'll show you a Lyre.

Why do Nuns have flat hair?
Force of habit.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies

What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with a "c", ends with a t", and has a "u" and an "n" in the middle? - A coconut. - Now get your mind out of the gutter!

A man was reported to animal welfare authorities for feeding Viagra to his pet Labrador. The man is now banned from keeping any pets - and the Labrador is now a pointer.

[Akitu]

[JustManuals]

Re: Joke of the Day

For the guys...........

pays to discover.jpg

[Phrag]

Re: Joke of the Day

What do Lumberjacks like most on the Internet?
Logging on and off.

The Lawn Tennis Association's website is down. Apparently they're having problems with the server.

Show me a man who claims to be a medieval stringed instrument, and I'll show you a Lyre.

Why do Nuns have flat hair?
Force of habit.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies

What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with a "c", ends with a t", and has a "u" and an "n" in the middle? - A coconut. - Now get your mind out of the gutter!

A man was reported to animal welfare authorities for feeding Viagra to his pet Labrador. The man is now banned from keeping any pets - and the Labrador is now a pointer.

I, for one, am not really a joke/riddle person. I'm more of a pun guy. These, my friend, are gold. Never stop posting.

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

Thursday night, I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat,

wires monitoring every function all around my head,
hell of a pain over my left ear,
and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.



It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked at me deep & steady
and I heard her slowly say,

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A blond, a brunette and a redhead were in a breast stroke competition to cross the English Channel. They all dove in together on the shores of the UK. Across the Channel on the shores of France, the judges and media waited patiently. After a few hours the redhead emerged from the waters to hearty cheers. About a half hour later, the brunette emerged to polite applause. But where was the blond? They waited and waited. The sun was starting to set when the blond came out of the water, nearly dead from exhaustion. The few newsmen that remained rushed to her and asked if she had anything to say. "Yes!" she gasped. "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think that brunette and redhead were using their arms!"

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger shakily handed the ghostly figure a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly whispered. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

fucking

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

fucking

I know I considered posting this one, can't recall if I did or not; good nonetheless.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of VB beer cheap at the local supermarket.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of bevvy, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, her bra-less tits nigh on falling out her skimpy top, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.
After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man
an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set.
At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition
that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides
to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone.
And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley,
so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline.

And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one
of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A young religious couple were about to be married when their car crashes, killing them both. They come to the gates of heaven and are greeted by Saint Peter. He tells them that they were both faithful in life and he welcomes them into God's Kingdom.
"Wait," says the man. "We were about to be married, but we died before the ceremony. Is it possible to get a marriage in heaven?"
Saint Peter thinks about it, but he can't think of an answer. He tells them to wait and he'll see what he can do.
While he's gone, the couple starts thinking about how final a marriage in heaven is. After all, a marriage on Earth is 'til death do us part- but a marriage in heaven would be truly eternal.
Days later, Saint Peter comes back. "It was tough," he said, "but I managed to arrange a ceremony for you two."
"That's all good and fine," says the couple, "but can we a also get a prenup, just in case?"
Saint Peter throws his hands up in the air in frustration and says, "It took me this long to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[KapeKopyTek]

Re: Joke of the Day

A blond, a brunette and a redhead were in a breast stroke competition to cross the English Channel. They all dove in together on the shores of the UK. Across the Channel on the shores of France, the judges and media waited patiently. After a few hours the redhead emerged from the waters to hearty cheers. About a half hour later, the brunette emerged to polite applause. But where was the blond? They waited and waited. The sun was starting to set when the blond came out of the water, nearly dead from exhaustion. The few newsmen that remained rushed to her and asked if she had anything to say. "Yes!" she gasped. "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think that brunette and redhead were using their arms!"

Hurray for redheads!