Joke of the Day

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

An oldie but a goodie

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children ,right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[MHeon71]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man and his girlfriend is going at it in the mud.
The man asked "Is it in you?'
Girlfriend responds "No!"
Man says "Can you put it in you?
Girlfriend says " Yes" and puts it in.
A little while later they are still going at it and the man asks "Is it in you?
Girlfriend replies "Yes!"
Man asks "Can you put it back in the mud.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

An oldie but a goodie

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children ,right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

An oldie for sure, but always funny no matter how many times you've seen them.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

An oldie for sure, but always funny no matter how many times you've seen them.

Keep in mind that all of those lawyers make more than we do and went to college.

[ZOOTECH]

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

young bloke working way out in the bush ,he said to one of the blokes what do you do out here for sex ,its been months and I am getting desperate.
easy said the bloke there is an emu out the back and when we get desperate we use the emu.
so off goes the young bloke and he is missing for a week .when he got back he was covered in cuts and bruises.
they said to him what happened .he said well I went out the back and used the emu I had just started and it started running.i was alright for the first ten kilometres

then I got out of step

[MHeon71]

Re: Joke of the Day

A french canadian goes to a camping show and sees an interesting object and asks the clerk "What is dat on da shelf dear? Clerk says "It's a thermos." Canadian asks " A termos, what does a termos do?" Clerk says " A thermos keeps your hot food, hot and your cold food, cold." The canadian decides to buy one.

A week later a friend sees the french canadian raking and sees his thermos and says " Hello, what is dat on your porch? The french canadian says " That is my termos." The friend responds " A termos, what does a termos do?" The french canadian says " It keeps your hot food, hot and your cold food, cold." The friend responds " Oh really, what do you have in dear. The french canadian says " Beef stew and lemonade."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

A young party goer drags himself out of bed; badly hung-over after a big weekend bender on the grog.
Still carrying a heavy brain fog he fumbles through his work cloths, and starts searching for his wallet and phone.
Not able to find his wallet or phone anywhere he convinces himself he left them at one of the raging parties he went to.
Forgetting about breakfast or any thought of food, he heads off down the street on his way to work.

As he is walking he notices a big two storey mansions at the end of the street. For some reason he has a strange urge he might have left his belongings there.
He strolls into the yard and knocks on the front door. A fine looking well dressed middle age lady answers.
Excuse me madam forgive me,I've had a big weekend of partying an I seem to have miss placed some of my belongings.
Do you have expensive white marble floors with a big white Persian rung on your lounge room floor?
"Yes we do",the lady says.
Do you have beautiful french stain funiture and polished metal door handles throughout your home.
"Yes we do" said the lady.
And do you have a beautifully polished brass toilet with multiple embossed buttons?
She leens into the house and yell's to her husband upstairs --" HARRY COME QUICK!, I FOUND THE BLOKE WHO SH!T IN YOUR TUBER."

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"

Continuously barking dogs in our neigborhood seem to invoke the same time clock response.

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

it was Friday morning and he was getting ready for work and he mad a bit of a noise putting the kettle on and making a cup of coffee.
his wife shouted do you have to make so much noise I am trying to sleep .he said all you do is sleep ,I have to go to work to earn money.
the row got worse and worse till eventually he slamed the front door and went to work.
he spent all day worrying about what he had said so on the way home he bought a huge bunch of red roses.
he went indoors and said to his wife, sorry love about this morning these roses are for you.
oh said his wife I suppose that means I will be on my back with my legs open all weekend.
he said sorry I thought we had a vase.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A blond finds herself having serious money problems, she's lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

I thought this was funny, maybe you will too?

http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2014/3/25/how-to-explain-what-happened.html

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

The anthropology professor was well known for making sexist comments and jokes in class much to the dismay of the feminist female students. The women students got together outside class and decided that after the next sexist comment from the professor they would stand up and walk out of class in solidarity. The next day the professor, while lecturing on a certain African tribe, said: " and you ladies will be glad to know that the average penis size of the tribesmen is 12 inches!" At that moment all the women in the class stood up and began filing out. The professor then said: "Wait! Wait ladies! The next flight to Nairobi doesn't leave until tomorrow morning!"

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

little boy was 2hours late for school .the teacher said billy where have you been your 2 hours late for school.
he said sorry miss my dad got burned .she said I am sorry was it bad.he said they don't muck about down the crematorium