Joke of the Day

[HELIO240]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why do not blondes eat bananas?
They can not find the zipper.

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

It's a shame his 600 MILLION dollar OBLAMACARE Website does not work;

Actually I think it's quite appropriate - it actually works better than the rest of Obamacare will.

[kuby]

Re: Joke of the Day

And why is it that Muslins in this country are exempt from OBLAMACARE? That they do not have to purchase insurance or get fined if they do not.

It's a shame his 600 MILLION dollar OBLAMACARE Website does not work;
She could sign up right after he does.
After all....if it is good enough for us taxpayers, it is certainly good enough for the tax spenders !!!!!!!

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

And why is it that Muslins in this country are exempt from OBLAMACARE? That they do not have to purchase insurance or get fined if they do not.

Same reason he will find a way to NOT use his own OBLAMACARE ...

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

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[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

I heard a dwarf got pickpocketed the other day... How could anyone stoop so low?
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I dated a girl with a lazy eye once... It turned out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
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Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes... "

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

Do riddles work here? Oh, well, too late now:
A town has two barbers, one with a great haircut and one with a terrible haircut. When you need a haircut, whom do you visit? Obviously the one with the terrible haircut, because the barber with the great haircut goes to him.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1 000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get Lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the king's underwear.

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

I had a lot of problems with the local phone company so I rang up complaining and it developed into a full blown row and my language got very heated .I eventually told them to stick the phone up their arse.

a few hours later there was a knock on the door and it was a man from the telephone company .he said I have come to disconnect and remove your phone
owing to your bad language .

I asked if I could make one more call and he said ok.so I rang the operator and said you know what I told you to do with the phone ,well hang on cause there is a block fetching it round .

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.
So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up.
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."
The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the side walk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."

He thought "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the side walk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

At the weekly husbands' Marriage seminar at St. Peter's Catholic Church, the priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, getting louder and angrier and more upset with each exchange. Eventually his wife's anger boils over and in a fit of rage she reaches over, pulls his penis out, slices it off and hurls it out the window of the speeding car.
Meanwhile, a middle-aged man is driving down the same highway with his six year old daughter. All of a sudden a bloody severed penis flies out of nowhere and SMACKS against the windshield, where it flops around for a few seconds before flying off to the side.
The young girl jumps forward in her seat, startled, and exclaims "Oh, my GOSH!!! Daddy, what was that?"
The father panics: his daughter is still too young and innocent to learn about such things as penises. He thinks quickly and tells her "Don't worry, sweetie. It was just a bug."
"Oh, okay Daddy" she responds, and they continue on their way. After a few minutes of silence the little girl looks up at her father and asks "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"