Joke of the Day

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going to take a piss."

The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Johnny replied, "Sorry, but I need to go to the toilet. I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."

So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be able to introduce you to after dinner.

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Men

1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
3. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
4. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.
5. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
8. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
9. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
10. If a beer had a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
11. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
12. A beer doesn't sulk.
13. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
14. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
15. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
16. A beer doesn't snore.
17. A beer can't interrupt.
18. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburetor.
19. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
20. A beer doesn't belch. Or fart.
21. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
22. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
23. A good beer is easy to find.
24. A beer can't pout.
25. A beer doesn't have a mother.
26. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
27. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
28. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
29. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
30. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
31. A beer doesn't want children.
32. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
33. A beer isn't ready until you're ready.
34. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
35. Hangovers go away.
36. A beer tastes good.
37. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
38. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
39. A beer's life does not revolve around the football.
40. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
41. A beer never needs a shave.
42. You don't have to let a beer win.
43. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza.
44. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to sleep with a beer too.
45. A beer doesn't have morning breath.
46. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.
47. A beer will never drink the last beer.
48. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
49. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.
50. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
51. A beer is never temperamental.
52. A beer will never complain about your cooking.
53. A cold beer is a good beer.
54. A beer will never worry about losing its hair.
55. A big, fat beer is nice to have.
56. A beer won't steal the covers.
57. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
58. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
59. You can enjoy a beer when you are on your period.

NOTE, #7 is especially true

A beer is always cold and has no tongue.
That makes it beer 59-man 2, and he can always owe you one.

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

Well Debs, here ya go...http://i.imgur.com/Egbajjf.jpg

OK, you got me on that one, but I must have more brains than most, when I can't open a jar (which happens more often than I like to admit to), I just eat chocolate

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

A beer is always cold and has no tongue.
That makes it beer 59-man 2, and he can always owe you one.

And I don't like beer (not sure which side gets the extra point for that, most of the men I know would say that beer has the advantage on that one )

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

OK, I wasn't going to post this one, but you've just declared war LOL

Top Ten Reasons Why a Vibrator Is Better Than a Man

This doesn't work for everyone. You know why blonds don't like vibrators?

It hurts their teeth.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

One night a friend and I were at a club having a beer and telling jokes. I happen to tell a "Polish joke", my friend laughed. Then i feel someone tapping my shoulder. A rather large and annoyed looking man was behind me.

"Look here," he said, "I am Polish and I have had to listen to that shit all my life, and I am sick of it!" I apologized to him, but he wasn't having any of it. He started getting loud, and the club bouncer told us to take it outside. I headed for the door and he and his friends followed. As soon as we were outside, he reaches in his coat and pulled out a razor. I've got to admit I was a little nervous at first...but then I realized he didn't have any place to plug it in.

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

One night a friend and I were at a club having a beer and telling jokes. I happen to tell a "Polish joke", my friend laughed. Then i feel someone tapping my shoulder. A rather large and annoyed looking man was behind me.

"Look here," he said, "I am Polish and I have had to listen to that shit all my life, and I am sick of it!" I apologized to him, but he wasn't having any of it. He started getting loud, and the club bouncer told us to take it outside. I headed for the door and he and his friends followed. As soon as we were outside, he reaches in his coat and pulled out a razor. I've got to admit I was a little nervous at first...but then I realized he didn't have any place to plug it in.

Back in the mid 80's the Base commander here was Polish. I missed this meeting, but a friend was there and told this story about a visiting General doing an inspection . There was at a reception held in his honor at the 'O' Club. He was telling a Polock joke and when the Colonel cleared his throat and reminded the General he was Polish; the General simply looked at him and replied ; " That's OK ; I will explain it to you after this meeting ! "
It's funny that this Base Commander was transferred a couple of months later.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

One night a friend and I were at a club having a beer and telling jokes. I happen to tell a "Polish joke", my friend laughed. Then i feel someone tapping my shoulder. A rather large and annoyed looking man was behind me.

"Look here," he said, "I am Polish and I have had to listen to that shit all my life, and I am sick of it!" I apologized to him, but he wasn't having any of it. He started getting loud, and the club bouncer told us to take it outside. I headed for the door and he and his friends followed. As soon as we were outside, he reaches in his coat and pulled out a razor. I've got to admit I was a little nervous at first...but then I realized he didn't have any place to plug it in.

Back in the mid 80's the Base commander here was Polish. I missed this meeting, but a friend was there and told this story about a visiting General doing an inspection . There was at a reception held in his honor at the 'O' Club. He was telling a Polock joke and when the Colonel cleared his throat and reminded the General he was Polish; the General simply looked at him and replied ; " That's OK ; I will explain it to you after this meeting ! "
It's funny that this Base Commander was transferred a couple of months later.

I have always heard that the Polock jokes were actually started by the Polish.

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

A little late, but here's Dave Barry's 2013 gift guide, based on products you can actually purchase:

http://www.miamiherald.com/2013/11/22/3771595/dave-barrys-gift-guide.html

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was

upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere

quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.'

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,

and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.

I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,

as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant

and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was

distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his

thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.






Husband's Diary:



A Stupid' two-foot putt... who in the world misses a two-foot putt??

[Tonerbomb]

Re: Joke of the Day

A little late, but here's Dave Barry's 2013 gift guide, based on products you can actually purchase:
http://www.miamiherald.com/2013/11/2...ift-guide.html

Pretty funny stuff, but firefox spams the hell out of you on this web site...

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

Pretty funny stuff, but firefox spams the hell out of you on this web site...

Sorry about that, I guess with the Adblock Plus and NoScript Firefox add ons I didn't see that. Thanks for letting me know.

[Ctl-Alt-Del]

Re: Joke of the Day



A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize our porch goes all the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[copyman]

Re: Joke of the Day

Not sure if this was posted already but here is another blonde joke:

Why is a dumb blonde secretary like a copier?............you don't appreciate them until they "go down on you".

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man was sitting at home and a police officer knocked on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."
He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."
The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."
The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."