Joke of the Day

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Question: How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?



Answer:
10 little piggies;
2 calves;
1 ass;
1 beaver;
A bunch of hares; and
1 fish that no one can find.

[igi]

Re: Joke of the Day

Question: How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?



Answer:
10 little piggies;
2 calves;
1 ass;
1 beaver;
A bunch of hares; and
1 fish that no one can find.

what kind of a fish?
and dont tell me its the smelly kind.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

I think this is the second consistent day where I've been able to post a joke in a little while...

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Day three! Egads!

A hare-lipped man walks into a Department Store carrying a help wanted sign. He states: "I'nd like to apply for the job, plead!"
To which the store owner replies: "Do you have any experience selling Tooth Brushes?"
"Nope!" says the hare-lip.
"Well OK," says the owner, "I'm in a hurry so I'll give you a shot. I'll be back at closing." And he leaves.
At closing the store owner comes back and asks the hare-lipped fellow "How many tooth brushes did you sell?"
The hare-lip replies.."I thold one tooth bruth"
"Just ONE?" exclaims the owner, "That will never do. Let's see how well you do tomorrow, I'll be back at closing"
The next day at closing time the owner shows up at the store and asks the hare-lip how many tooth brushes he sold that day. The hare-lip replies "I thold one Tooth Bruth."
The owner is very upset at this news and says, "One tooth brush will never do, I'm afraid I'll have to let you go."
To which the hare-lip replies "Oh No, plead don't let me go. Give me one more chanth, I gno I can do beddur."
So the owner gives him one more day and leaves. The next day the owner returns to his store only to find thousands of empty tooth brush crates laying all over. He turns to the man and says, "My Lord! How many Tooth Brushes did you sell today?"
The hare-lip replies, "I sold three thouthand three hundred and thirty three Tooth Bruthes!"
"My, how on earth did you do that?" replies the store owner.
"Well you thee," replies the hare-lip, "I went out into the mall and thet up thith table, and on one thide I put thom chipth, and on the other thide I put thome dipth. Then I put a big thine behind the table that read: 'Free Chipth & Dipth' Then the people they came and first they picked up a chipth then they dipth it in the dipth and then they ate it."
"Is that all?" replied the owner.
"Well no," said the hare-lip, "after they ate it they would reply: 'Hey thith stuff tathed like shit!' and then I would thay, 'It ith,... wanna buy a Tooth Bruth?!?!?!?'"

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Day 4? Surely this is some kind of omen.

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly.
"Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

[mrwho]

[jonezy999]

Re: Joke of the Day

I got pulled over by a cop last night who fined me for speeding, I asked him if there was any way he could fine me for thinking something, he said that my thoughts couldn't get me in trouble, so I told him I thought he's a c*^t.

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

So now Findus have withdrawn their products because of Horse meat contamination...
What a shame.. I really liked their Spaghetti Bologneighs....





Rolf Harris should get a job with Findus. "Can you tell what it is yet?" ....

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A guy is 72years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up, then
kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?' I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

This remains day 5, I had a scheduled day off Friday for the return of my family after not seeing them for almost a month...

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Well hot damn, it looks like I'll have to keep this thread alive on my own.

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day.
They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic.This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick him in the ass."

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

It seems showing a little cleavage, winking, and slowly dragging your finger across the palm of a cop's hand as he takes your license,


.................. Only works for females.


Was walking home from the pub last night when someone whacked me over the head with a power tool,sneaked up behind me an BOSCH!!

Bill Clinton arrived at the White House for lunch with the Obamas. He stepped out of his limo carrying a small dog.
One of the secret sevice men aproached and said: "Nice dog sir."
"Thanks" replied Clinton. "I got it for Hillary."
"Nice Trade Sir!" he replied.

Following the discovery of the bones of Richard III, scientists are now digging up Tesco's Car park looking for his horse....

A car breaks down on the motorway hard shoulder. The driver opens his boot and lets out two old men in raincoats.
The men stand at either end of the car and start flapping their coats open and closed, exposing themselves to the passing traffic.
A police car soon pulls up. "What the hell are those two doing?" says the irate officer.
"Them?" replies the driver. "They're just my emergency flashers."

[Kidaver]

Re: Joke of the Day

This one made me lol

CNN Anchor Asks Bill Nye If Global Warming Had Anything To Do With A Near-Earth Asteroid | Mediaite

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So then the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple. By the nail over its stall.' Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,


'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'