Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Bloody hell, I don't think I'm ever gonna get things stable enough to regularly post jokes. In the meantime, that doesn't mean I won't try!

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drives off to the right and the other drives off to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

she goes to a golf proffesional to learn how to play so she can play golf with her husband.
the proffesional said ,i want you to hit the ball and see if you can get it in the hole where the flag is sticking out.
she hits the ball and it veered sharply to the left.
he said you are gripping your club much too hard ,try again.this time she hit the ball and it veered to the right.
he said you are still gripping the ball too hard ,you must be gentle with your grip ,hold it like you was making love to your husband.
this time she hit the ball and got a hole in one.
well done said the proffesional ,now try it again and this time take the club out of your mouth.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

No wonder men are happier!

NICKNAMES
� If Sheila, Candy and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Sheila, Candy and Sarah.
� If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
� When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back...
� When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
� A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
� A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
� A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
� The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 137. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
� A woman has the last word in any argument.
� Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
� A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
� A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
� A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
� A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
� A woman will dress up to go shopping, meeting friends for lunch, watering the plants, answering the phone, and getting the mail.
� A man will dress up for weddings and funerals (sometimes, just his own...)

NATURAL
� Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
� Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
� A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
� A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

A row has broken out in the TV show's Music Round about the earliest recorded anti-incest song to get into the pop charts.
Contestants were asked to name the singer and the title of the song that best illustrated a strong moral message about illicit sexual relations.

One finger-on-the-buzzer student said it had to be Sister Sledge's 1979 hit 'We Are Family' but the answer proved wrong.

"Sorry, chaps, wrong answer" question-master Jeremy Paxman replied before stunning the studio audience.

"It's Elton John's 1974 single Don't Let The Son Go Down On Me."

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

A row has broken out in the TV show's Music Round about the earliest recorded anti-incest song to get into the pop charts.

That would have been a lot funnier if it weren't such a poor subject, but I'm going to make matters worse and say the real answer would have to be "Janie's Got a Gun" by Aerosmith.

[gwaddle]

Re: Joke of the Day

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.









Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair.

The hair that should be on the strip.

I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.



DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*?

Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!











God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!







While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!





The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.



I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.





Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

[gwaddle]

Re: Joke of the Day

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

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( National Crime Information Center )

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[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

That would have been a lot funnier if it weren't such a poor subject, but I'm going to make matters worse and say the real answer would have to be "Janie's Got a Gun" by Aerosmith.

I don't know the program and in reality didn't pay attention to the veracity of the facts, but I laughed out loud when I read the part in bold, so I had to share.

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

This girl surely has a big pussy!

174.jpg

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy her cigarettes. He walks there only to find it closed. So, he goes into a nearby bar to use their vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and eventually end up in her apartment. After they've had some fun, he realizes it's 3 a.m. and says, "My wife's going to kill me. Do you have any talcum powder?"

The woman gives him some talcum powder, which he rubs on his hands and then goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and screeches, "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there, we had a few drinks, one thing led to another, and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and says, "You liar! You went bowling again!"

I was looking in the window of Ladbrooks and a sign said "Who will score tonight?".
So I went straight in and put a tenner on my mate Dave with the bird who works in the chip shop...

Tis better to have loved a short woman... than never to have loved a tall.

News Flash:
A ship carrying a cargo of blue paint has collided with a ship carrying a cargo of red paint.
The crew from both ships have been marooned....

[JustManuals]

Re: Joke of the Day

This is hilarious:

http://1funny.com/huge-bear-surprises-camera-crew/

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Cheap joke for laughs. I'll get working on better ones ASAP.

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may ...

Why do you think I seldom touch the stuff LOL

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why do you think I seldom touch the stuff LOL

I know myself, my friends, and even my own son could be perfect poster-children for the last one...

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

In my case it has been known to lead to complete loss of memory (seriously, not just an excuse), and photographic evidence of everything I can't remember LOL