Joke of the Day

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

[Geo]

Re: Joke of the Day

What do you call a cow that just gave birth.............




























De-calf-feinated.......

[Zackuth]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two friends from a forgein country decided to take a vacation to New York. After site seeing for a few hours they friends see a push cart selling hot dogs. Never having one before, they decide to have lunch. Walking down the street the first friend opens his hot dog, looks inside the bun, shuts it really fast and looks surprised at his friend. The second opens his hot dog, looks inside and bun and closes it back up. The second friend looks at the first and says "So what part of the dog did you get?"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Pardon my absence... I had a funeral to attend. I'm back now with a few more jokes.

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny and potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer, and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label, "Viagra Extra Strength," and says, "here, if you take these you'll go wild for twelve hours!" The guy responds, "Great! Gimme three boxes!"
The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, approaches the pharmacist, and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror at man's black and blue member.
The man says, "I'm gonna need some Ben Gay cream."
The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on THAT are you?"
"Nope, it's for my arms ... the girls didn't show up."

[kingarthur]

Re: Joke of the Day

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend: "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back: "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Policeman on his horse says to little girl on her bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," she replies.

"Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year," and fines her $10. The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says, "Nice
horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that too?"

The Policeman chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year, tell Santa the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it"!

[doug94550]

Re: Joke of the Day

What do you call a prostitute who hangs out around the Apple Store?
An I Ho.

[DWise]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Policeman on his horse says to little girl on her bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," she replies.

"Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year," and fines her $10. The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says, "Nice
horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that too?"

The Policeman chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year, tell Santa the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it"!

Jonezy999 did this joke last week (page 63)...

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........ The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?

[ni311]

Re: Joke of the Day

Jonezy999 did this joke last week (page 63)...

Oh, this is why it looked familial to me... d'oh

[kyoceran]

Re: Joke of the Day

How many overpaid sales reps does it take to sell a copier ?

Answer ? none, the customer will tell them the prices

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

Damn, my joke supplier is slipping. Never saw that one. Oh well it was a good one that deserved a second look.

Jonezy999 did this joke last week (page 63)...

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

My wife is a mute. She communicates by embroidery. It's her version of sign language, sew to speak

Americans have started a petition to kick Piers Morgan out of the country. Meanwhile, a counter-campaign has been launched in Britain to refuse to take him back.

I hope we can meet the Yanks halfway on this, and put him in the middle of the Atlantic.

I saw Simon Cowell in his giant Landrover the other day.

"Stop polluting the planet!" I shouted.

"Oh leave off," he yelled back. "Just because you can't afford a car like mine."

"Car?" I said. "I'm on about the state of our music industry."

I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners for Christmas. Unfortunately, I misunderstood what it was, which is why I'm now in A&E...

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I Promise." Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I took a taxi home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution in order to escape a possible fight... even totally smashed. 3 cuokoos plus 9 more = 12 = Midnight!

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her "Midnight"... She didn't seem pissed in the least. I was just thinking I got away with that one, when she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh, sh*t, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, laughed, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day

Being a conservative person, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard..”