Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer

In layman's terms - water.

[DWise]

Re: Joke of the Day

Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer

Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.

<SNIP>

The American government has refused to ban the production and distribution chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation". In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE! Act NOW to prevent further contamination!

This makes me thirsty...

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

In layman's terms - water.

Technically - and sorry to be a buzz kill (but it isn't going to stop me ) - water is hydrogen oxide. DHMO has the same number of atoms as water but its valency is different. Water is H20 but covalent and stable. Dihydrogen monoxide is ionic. Oxide is O2-, which means it gives two electrons to two hydrogen atoms, then giving 2H+. And we all know what happens in an ionic reaction, so I won't go further

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Technically - and sorry to be a buzz kill (but it isn't going to stop me ) - water is hydrogen oxide. DHMO has the same number of atoms as water but its valency is different. Water is H20 but covalent and stable. Dihydrogen monoxide is ionic. Oxide is O2-, which means it gives two electrons to two hydrogen atoms, then giving 2H+. And we all know what happens in an ionic reaction, so I won't go further

I stand corrected. This is why I never pursued my scientific studies further. I was more of a biology guy.

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks "What's a phallic symbol?
Doctor says "You're kidding..."
Girl says "No! I don't know! Whats a phallic symbol???"
Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says "You see? This is a failic symbol!"
Girl says "Oh, I see! Its just like a penis, only smaller!"

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

Technically - and sorry to be a buzz kill (but it isn't going to stop me ) - water is hydrogen oxide. DHMO has the same number of atoms as water but its valency is different. Water is H20 but covalent and stable. Dihydrogen monoxide is ionic. Oxide is O2-, which means it gives two electrons to two hydrogen atoms, then giving 2H+. And we all know what happens in an ionic reaction, so I won't go further

Oxide is generally considered an O2, but technically is the result of the natural oxidation of whatever source material formed the oxide and does not necessarily have to contain 2 oxygen atoms. Monoxide specifically names only 1 oxygen atom - DiHydrogen specifically names 2 hydrogen atoms, so the name Dihydrogen monoxide would technically be correct.

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Shadow1, this one is for you:


The Farter From Sparta

There was a young farter from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen",
And Beethovens Seventh Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.

He could whistle, could warble and hum,
By constricting the hole in his bum,
And make animal sounds,
Or fire artillery rounds,
With the force of a field cannon gun.

The fabulous farter from Sparta,
Performed at command by Royal Charter,
Did Brahms, Grieg and Mozart,
For 'piano and fart',
And for an encore he did Bach's Toccata.

His repertoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could fart a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.

He's accompanied Oasis and Blur,
And done backing music for Cher,
Though his style is obscene,
It's been used on big screen,
In sound effects on the movie Ben Hur.

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And whiffle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Ood, boom, er-tum, tootle, yum tah-dah !

His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.

When Sparta's farter was truly on form,
His asshole could outplay a French horn,
He'd give all day recitals,
With the air from his vitals,
After a large plate of leeks and some corn.

This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare
Or Gilbert and Sullivans Mikado.

He could imitate jets supersonic,
Or play compositions symphonic,
He played Handel's Messiah,
He reached top C and higher,
But only after a mammoth colonic.

A family size can of baked beans,
Could fuel the main movie themes,
Star Wars and some westerns,
Were most often requested,
Though the odour was somewhat obscene.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in b-major.

He could play Holst's Mars and Uranus,
By expelling the air from his anus,
He did Copacabana,
But his Carmina Burana,
Was proclaimed a cantus profanus.

This man with the musical arsehole,
Was asked to perform at a castle,
He ignited his gas,
Near exploded his ass,
And the Count cried out 'Once more, you rascal!'

One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.

The Count hosted the concert with style,
And the queue to get in was a mile,
The farter ate leeks,
Lived on beans for two weeks,
Knowing his farts were on trial.

He practised by farting some tunes,
Till his arsehole made sounds like bassoons,
Symphonies, sonatas,
Serenades and cantatas,
And the theme from The Mouse on the Moon.

He played The Ride of The Valkyries,
And brought the whole crowd to their knees,
Women fainted and screamed,
At The Dambusters theme,
And The Flight of the Bumblebee.

He farted on feeling quite merry,
Did the Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies,
His farts echoed and swelled,
(And so did the smell),
And his face went as red as a cherry.

With a smell like a heap of manure,
He began the William Tell Overture,
They gasped as it started,
Cheered the farter from Sparta,
And soon they were screaming for more.

It went off in capital style,
As he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He reached the Finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with arse thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed....
And collapsed in a shower of shit.

One mammoth turd blocked up his arse,
Around it no fart could be passed,
His bowel filled with farts,
From his arse to his heart,
And inflated his belly with gas.

All at once the poor farter exploded,
His expanding bowel overloaded,
The room filled with screams,
As gas-filled intestines,
Rose up to the ceiling and floated,

Like a string of long brown balloons,
His innards were strung round the room,
The odour was ripe,
So the Count lit his pipe,
And the whole place went up with a BOOM!

His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with these words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Oxide is generally considered an O2, but technically is the result of the natural oxidation of whatever source material formed the oxide and does not necessarily have to contain 2 oxygen atoms. Monoxide specifically names only 1 oxygen atom - DiHydrogen specifically names 2 hydrogen atoms, so the name Dihydrogen monoxide would technically be correct.

I had thought I was at least partially correct, also based upon the context in the joke.

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.

"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said.

"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"

The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.

When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable."

She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit.

However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.

"What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"

He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done."

[livancicm]

Re: Joke of the Day

Technically - and sorry to be a buzz kill (but it isn't going to stop me ) - water is hydrogen oxide. DHMO has the same number of atoms as water but its valency is different. Water is H20 but covalent and stable. Dihydrogen monoxide is ionic. Oxide is O2-, which means it gives two electrons to two hydrogen atoms, then giving 2H+. And we all know what happens in an ionic reaction, so I won't go further

H2O

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

A young woman was pulled over by a cop for speeding. An Oregon State trooper walked over to her car window, flipping open his tickets book.

She said "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball."

He replied "Oregon State trooper's don't have balls!"



There was a moment of silence.



He then closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, got back to the patrol car and left.

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.

"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yep," recalled Joe. "That's what that purty lady said when I sat down beside her."

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Best quote ever, I'm even going to update my old signature with this pearl!

"You will always find some Eskimo ready instruct the Congolese
on how to cope with heat waves."

--Ibid

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

While everybody's busy bashing away at the other religion-vs-science threads, I'll spice this one up!

"No, wait, not that!"

[sdrawkcab]

Re: Joke of the Day

Reasons why Boats are better than Women