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Re: Joke of the Day
I like the part where he vacuums his gloves. Who cares about toner on gloves? That's why you wear them in the first place! And get a decent pair of gloves!Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Coke in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!".Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Hey who has been video taping me at work????
Rob SComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
I like when he pulls the LD shield glass out and says "this is the glass that separates the drum from the toner bottle". WTF
NEVER ASSUME ANYTHINGComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
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(My Favorite)
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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(Another favorite)
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death…
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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And last:
(Well OK, this is the best)
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No…
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law."You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --
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Re: Joke of the Day
I named my Ex wife Maytag.......................Always frigid and never went down.
Bud-up-bump-tshssss.Why do they call it common sense?
If it were common, wouldn't everyone have it?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
No, there isn't any note of "hostel-ity", unless he's paying rent for his bed and got a really great deal (Which could be, I guess). Hostel - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
But I do detect a note of hostility. Hostility - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
Just kidding.
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Coke in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!".Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Never said I spel.No, there isn't any note of "hostel-ity", unless he's paying rent for his bed and got a really great deal (Which could be, I guess). Hostel - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
But I do detect a note of hostility. Hostility - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
Just kidding.
Comment
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Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Coke in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!".Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
What is brown and sticky?
--A Stick
What is brown and sounds like a bell?
-Dung
What is brown and sounds like a fog horn?
-Poop! Poop!What's Brown and Sticky?
-A StickComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A lovely young maden was about to get married to the love of her life.
She was really worried about the consumation of her wedding night,so she sort council in a confession with her local minister before the big night.
Women : Minister I have a confession "I going to be married soon, but I have a problem."
Minister : That's lovely my dear. What is your problem?
Women : I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex.
Minister : How can we help with your problem.
Women : Well I need to ask some personal questions about a man.
Minisiter : That's fine my child ask anything you wish.
Women : What's that thing that hangs between a mans legs?
Minister : That is call a penis.
Women : Minister what is the big round ball on the end of the penis that looks like a german helmet ?
Minister : That is the head my child, that is call the head of the penis.
Women confused : Ok...
Women : And what is it when the penis gets hard.
Minister : That is an errection my child. It happens naturally when the man is arroused.
Women : Well what do you call those two round things hanging in a sack about 18inchs down from the head?
Minister : .... For your sakes love I hope it's the cheeks of his bum.Last edited by NeoMatrix; 06-22-2012, 03:45 AM.Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
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