Joke of the Day

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

The up side of the alzheimers; they'll believe they have a new husband/wife in bed every night....

And new friends every day!

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

they get to hide their own Easter eggs, buy their own Christmas / birthday gifts too

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

Another one of life's mysteries explained quite simply:



An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander:
"Why do scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?"
To which the Newfoundlander replies:
"Lord thunderin' Jesus, you must be stunned as me arse. If they fell forwards,

they'd still be in the fuc*in boat!"

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver and a Lieutenant Colonel in the Air Force, but when they retired the Phantom, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashiered me as well. I learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am." The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try? The seedy Lt Col staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music, unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You!" said the Commander. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, "I wrote it myself." The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light." He then excused himself and lurched to the john. When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Look fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?" "Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!".

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

So one day a man is doing work outside by the barn on his small farm. All of a sudden 5 large black SUV's come speeding down the road and all pull into his drive. A dozen DEA agents get out and the guy in charge walks up to him and informs him that they have a search warrant to look for pot, and they will be searching the entire farm. The old man says he doesn't care but they better not go into the field over there with the red gate right now. The DEA agent becomes enraged and sticks his badge in the old mans face and screams at him "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS BADGE MEANS? IT MEANS I CAN GO ANYWHERE I FUCKING WANT TO!" HE motions to his men to follow him and they proceed to go to the pasture behind the red gate. They disappear over the hill and a few minutes later they all come back over the hill screaming and running for their lives with an 800 pound bull hot on their ass. The old farmer then starts yelling "JUST SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE, I"M SURE HE WILL STOP!"

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

A young man and had consigned himself to look after his dear dad in last days of retirement.
The young man would come over every day and do his fathers general chores. The young man would mow the lawn weed the
garden and dig up the vegetable garden for next seasons crop etc. He had done every chore as usual except digging up
the vegetable garden ready for the season.

Young men being young men he happend to get himself in trouble with the law drink driving. The judge sentenced the
young man to 12months in prison to be served immediately.

The young bloke was sitting in his prision cell writting a sorry letter to his father.
In his letter he wrote to his father that at no time should he dig up the vegetable garden because he was far too old
and further more that is where he buried the dead bodies.

A day later the young man received a phone call in prison from his father.
Old man: "Son a strange thing happened the other day". Six big police officers stormed into the back yard and started
digging up the vegetable garden."
Young man: Yeah I know dad I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you, but thats the best I could do on short notice."

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Stress and Anger Management

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had apparently transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice saying "Hello?"

"Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"

He barked, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

Then, one day an old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great," I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black BMW comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping center as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole, there sure a lot of assholes in this world.

Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really easy since I have his number on speed dial now!)

Almost immediately I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes,"

"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two assholes to call.

Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had to phone asshole #1.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I yelled "You're an asshole!", but I didn't hang up.

The asshole said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "Make me."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

So I told him, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!" and I hung up.

Then I called asshole #2. He answered, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, asshole!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your ass."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, asshole!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 informed them about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious satisfaction! Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

An older lady is checking out at the grocery store and feeling a little horny, she starts checking out the young boy putting the groceries in the bags. As they are walking out to the parking lot she looks at him and says "You know boy, I have an itchy pussy". "Just point to it ma'am, all those Japanese cars look alike to me" he replied.

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a Virgin -- in every vay." The doctor told him, "Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art. Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth . That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olof...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez." Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ..still in DA CRATE!"

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day

Three nuns are sitting on a park bench. Then a man comes up and exposes himself to them. Two of them have a stroke,




the third one couldn't reach.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

An old lady in her retirment would whizz up and down the retirment home hall ways in her wheel chair.
One days she is scooting along the hall way when an elderly man put his hand up and says stop.
Oldman : " Excuse me madam I'm a retired police officer,I see you are speeding, can I see your license?"
The old lady rumages through her hand bag and pulls out a bingo card an hands it to him.
Old man : " Ok let this be a warning, next time I will book you."

A day later the old lady once again is whizzing up and down the hallway and the old man put his hand up and say "stop! this is the police."
Oldman : " I see you have a defective vehicle. You'll have to pay a fine or I'll have to take your vehicle off the road"
The old lady rumages through her hand bag and pulls out a couple of shopping receipts and gives them to him.

Next day the old lady;feeling a bit tired was swaying from wall to wall in her wheel chair like she was drunk.
The old man jumps out from behind a door stark naked with his manhood standing to attention,and yells "stop this is the police."

The old lady turns to him and says oh! sh!t! not the breatherlyser again.

[Tricky]

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Give it to me,give it to me now.
I'm so wet, I want it bad.
Baby let me have it.

No matter how much she begged,
or how desparate she became,
I would not give her the umbrella. .....

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

King Billy : Hey Mortin<hic up> I out smartem today Bro.
Mortin : Why dat Bro ?.
Billy : I snuck a big heap of booze into work today.
Mortin : Ok der bro how did you get it pass security?
Billy : In my belly<hic up>.
Mortin : ....?.....

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain

so that they can see their own doctor.
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I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller.
Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69
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