Joke of the Day

[PASTech]

Re: Joke of the Day

Many woman claim that men lack imagination & creativity.

They obviously haven't seen a man who has lost his bottle opener.

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers arrive at a swanky New York restaurant in all there finery after performing at a charity event. While being escorted to their table, a waiter stumbles carrying a large tray of desserts and covers poor Fred from head to toe in a gooey mess of cream, jam and chocolate.
Fred clears the mess from his face, looks himself up and down and says to the waiter,

"Now look what you've done, I've got pudding on my top hat, pudding on my white tie, pudding on my tails."

Where is the punch line?

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Where is the punch line?

It is the last line - a play on words from one of his movies.

[PASTech]

Re: Joke of the Day

Without Google I would still have no clue...still not sure if it was funny.

Fred Astaire - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia for those of us that don't know...

“I’m putting’ on my top hat, tyin’ up my white tie, brushin’ off my tails…”

There is hidden text here...see if you can find it

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

A couple married forty years were revisiting places they went on their honeymoon.
Driving through the secluded countryside,they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said,"Sweetheart,let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."
The guy stops the car,His wife backed up against the fence,and he immediately jumped her bones like a Bear on Salmon.
They made love like never before.
Back in the car the guy says,"Darlin',you sure never moved like that forty years ago..or any time since that I can remember."
The woman replies,"Forty years ago,the goddamn fence wasn't electrified."

Just been diagnosed with colour blindness, for me that came straight out of the green!

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,... "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem".

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were married right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.

He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes; she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God: "What will a woman like this cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history.

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The 5 toughest questions a woman can ask a man

The questions are:

What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:

I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

Compared to what?
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
Define 'pretty'
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

She....Would you get married again?
He.....Definitely not!
She....Why not - don't you like being married?
He.....Of course I do.
She....Then why wouldn't you remarry?
He.....Okay, I'd get married again.
She....You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
He.....Yes, I would.
She....Would you sleep with her in our bed?
He.....Where else would we sleep?
She....Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
He.....That would seem like the proper thing to do.
She....And would you let her use my golf clubs?
He.....She can't use them; she's left-handed.

Sorry for the long post, I thought about doing 2 but I felt that may have been in poor taste. If anyone disagrees let me know and I'll gladly break them up.

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

Normally I only post once in this thread a day but I just saw this on another forum I thought I would share here.

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. Tracy, the first blonde, plans the robbery and goes over the plan with Buffy, the second blonde, in great detail.

The robbery begins. Tracy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffy, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Buffy.

Buffy goes into the bank while Tracy waits in the getaway car. One minute passes... two minutes pass... seven minutes pass... and Tracy
is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffy. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it
to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again and the security guard comes out. The
guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his gun.

As the gals are getting away, Tracy says, "You are such a bird brain! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffy said, "I did... I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Tracy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!!!"

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "
What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"

What's blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette? A blonde doing cartwheels.

[igi]

Re: Joke of the Day

There's a joke in there somewhere, but it's just too easy...

aww, what the heck:

Do you know what a yankee is? Same thing as a quickie, except it's DIY.

yankee doodle=doodle with your noodle

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I h ave, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?' 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

A single Father and single Mother move in together with each others children for their first time. The man gets a bit frisky and signals to the woman mum "how about a quicky",just as her children walk around the corner. Totally shocked at the expression on her childrens faces, she scolds her new partner bluntly and says to him " next time you want to have sex, just say to me how about we do the washing."

One night the woman is on the phone for over an hour or so to her freinds. The man feeling a bit frisky leans over the woman and whispers in her ear " how about we do the washing ?". The woman so engrossed in her phone conversation says "nah!..." and brushes him off. 5 minutes later the man leans over and tries again, "how about we do the washing ?"; and again she says "nah!..." and brushes him off. So feeling a bit dejected he decides to leave her alone.

An hour goes by and the women finally hangs up the phone and comes joyfully bouncing over to the man with a big cuddle and whipers in his ear, "how about we do the washing ?".

The man says "nah!... sorry, I've finished all the washing by hand an hour ago."

[DWise]

Re: Joke of the Day

Trick or Treat...

[DWise]

Re: Joke of the Day

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing" he thought as he flew down I-90, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have good day, sir ".

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face now with both hand.

"Actually, no." he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his full head of hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the bartender -- clearly aroused. "Maybe there's something I can do for you?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues seductively, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

She slowly continues, "Tell him........... that there.......... is no toilet paper in the ladies room."