Joke of the Day

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

A couple more as I haven't been around much the past week or so...

As an airplane is about to crash,a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces,"If I'm going to die ,I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks,"Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up,removes his shirt and says,"Here,Iron this!"

My girlfriend dumped me because she says I'm too specific.
She broke the news to me yesterday at 3.21 pm whilst I was eating a tuna and mayo sandwich in my kitchen, which by the way has red tiles with chequered edging.

[banginbishop]

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with two burnt ears. The doctor asked her, "What happened to your ear?" The blonde replied, "I was ironing and the phone rang, so instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear.
Still not satisfied, the doctor asked, "Well, what happened to the other ear?"
"The sucker called again!"

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

A cool Jamacian musician was looking through second hand junk stores when he came upon a silver stain lantern. He wasn't sure if it was silver or not so he started to polish it.
Next minute "poof"; there was a thick cload of smoke an a genie appeared out of now where. The genie says the usual thanks and proceeds to grant the Jamacian dude one wish.

The Jamacian dude though for a minute or two and said "yo maarn, I wanna be white, uptight, outside, an in-the-groove."

The Genie thought for a second then "POOOOOF", and change the Jamacian dude into a Tampon.


I guess ya gota be careful what you wish for....

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

NeoMatrix,

ya just know there's strings attached some where in life.............................................. ................................

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

2 part-er after the weekend!

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.
The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' "
The father says, "Damn; I hope you SHOT that lyin' dog!" "I sure did, Dad!"

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day

I wish everyone would stop criticizing Jimmy Savile. When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.

[PASTech]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer
to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator tells the brunette that it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

[PASTech]

Re: Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt. One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects.
"Well" he said "we were married for 25 years."

[kingarthur]

Re: Joke of the Day

Three black women from America's deep south are talking about their men
The first one says "I call my man 'Beefy' cos he's big all over"
The second says "I call my man 'The Rod' cos he's got a real big one"
The third one says " I call my man 'Courvoisier'.
The other two looked confused and said "Courvoisier, ain't that some fancy liquor?
So she stands up, smiles & says "Shaw is!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer (Jeremy Saxton at 65) in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Jeremy Saxton: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me Saxton-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.. "

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me Saxton-the-Bar-builder? Nooo... "

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me Saxton-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo... "

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya f*** one goat..."

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Dumb Headlines

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!They put in a correction the next day.



Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!



Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!


War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!




If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!


Enfield (London) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!
Oklahoma's construction program!


Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge


New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat enough?!


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?


LocalHigh School DropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Dumb Headlines

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

Only 3 I actually chuckled at.

The Typhoon headline reminds me of another one... Will see if I can find it.

*Edit* Couldn't find the actual article I saw it in, been a while since I've seen it too so it may have been shopped and I just didn't have the knowledge at the time. Found the article I was referencing though, posted second-hand now from another forum.

Gander, Newfoundland (CP) Canada's Worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, A small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

[PASTech]

Re: Joke of the Day

Only 3 I actually chuckled at.

The Typhoon headline reminds me of another one... Will see if I can find it.

*Edit* Couldn't find the actual article I saw it in, been a while since I've seen it too so it may have been shopped and I just didn't have the knowledge at the time. Found the article I was referencing though, posted second-hand now from another forum.

Gander, Newfoundland (CP) Canada's Worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, A small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

lol....