Joke of the Day

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

I told one of my old bosses that I'm going back to university.

He asked "what the heck for? "

Told him I'am going to do biology and medicine in particular I'am going to specialise in cloning.

"Why the hell would you want to do cloning ?", he asked.

I'am going to clone a twin of myself so I can be in two places at once like you f!#&ing expect,and do twice as much work for half the pay.


True story...

Don"t clone me!!

There are enough a**holes in this world.

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

The wife left a note on the fridge:
"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about............the fridge works fine.


WOMEN, who can understand them?

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

.

I believe you may have lost some of the down-under-dudes with this one.
I assume that this is a brand name for baking flower ?
Here in Oz we have baking flower with the brand Black&Gold.

[doug94550]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two guys are sitting around and looking at an article in a hunting magazine about duck hunting.
The first guy says to the second, "You know. That looks kinda' cool. We get out in the Great Outdoors for a while, get away from the wives for a while, and put some food on the table. So what do you think?"
The second guy thinks about it for a while and says "Sure. Let's do it".
So they go out and buy the guns, the dogs, the decoys, the blinds, the whole nine yards.
The next morning at 4am they are out there, locked and loaded.
Now, it is 4 in the afternoon.
They are cold, and wet, and have nothing to show for their time.
The first guy says to the second guy, "You know. We have been out here for 12 hours and we've got nothing. We must be doing something wrong. What do you think?".
The second guy thinks about it for a while, sighs, and says,"I don't know man. Maybe we're just not throwing the dogs high enough".

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Stevie Wonder walks into the Wall-mart with his seeing-eye-dog.

He walks down a few aisles and then picks the dog up by the tail and starts swinging him around his head.
He starts to make a bit of a commotion an begins to attact the attention of the shop assistants.
One of the ladies walks up to Stevie and ask, "Can I help you Sir ?"
Stevie turns around to her direction and says nah! I'm alright luv, I'm just having a look around....

----------
I gotta come up with some better jokes, these old ones are starting to show my age.

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

[Tata]

Re: Joke of the Day

...and this was the exact moment Little Johnny decided to become a salesman.

......a copier salesman.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Funny drunk people compilation - YouTube

Not a joke, but funny anyway - have a safe and sober weekend.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

:: Dunny Dialect , Hot off the Toilet Wall ::"The trouble with the internet is that you can never believe everything your read."Abraham Lincoln 1685.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

HEAVEN
AND HELL

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." " Really ?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell... Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."

[Darren King]

Re: Joke of the Day

Stevie Wonder walks into the Wall-mart with his seeing-eye-dog.

He walks down a few aisles and then picks the dog up by the tail and starts swinging him around his head.
He starts to make a bit of a commotion an begins to attact the attention of the shop assistants.
One of the ladies walks up to Stevie and ask, "Can I help you Sir ?"
Stevie turns around to her direction and says nah! I'm alright luv, I'm just having a look around....

This could never have happened in Wal-Mart. You can't find anyone to assist you there. They usually run away when you make eye contact. lol

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

President George Shrub was attending a primary school one day and the teacher asked George if he could lead the class in a topic of discussion.

George starts of the topic of discussion with "Can any of the children here give me the definition of a tragedy ?"

One little girl puts up here hand and says "Mr President. If a child from this school was hit by a car and kill would that be a tragedy?"
The President quickly explains that "No that would not be a tragedy that would an accident."

Another little boy put his hand up and says "Mr President if a bus load of children on their way home where to fall off a cliff would that be a tragedy ?"
"No" said the President "that would be a great loss."

Little Johnny puts his hand up and says "Mr President , If the first-lady and yourself where shot down while travelling in airforce one would that be a tragedy ?"

The President quick exclaims "Well done ,that is correct."
"Now",The president says "can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

Little Johnny pipes-up and says obviously, "it would be no accident" and I'm certain "it would be no great loss".

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Rules For Men

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get Any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the Game is played.


Here is a guide to the points system:

Simple Duties
You make the bed	+1
... but forget to add the decorative pillows	0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets	-1
You leave the toilet seat up	-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty	0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex	-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom	-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings	+5
... in the snow	+8
... but return with beer	-5
... and no liners	-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night	0
... and it is nothing	0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something	+5
... you pummel it with a six iron	+10
... it's her cat	-40
At the Party
You stay by her side the entire party	0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy	-2
... named Tiffany.	-4
... Tiffany is a dancer	-10
... with breast implants	-18
Her Birthday
You remember her birthday	0
You buy a card and flowers	0
You take her out to dinner	0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar	+1
Okay, it is a sports bar	-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night	-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team	-10
A Night Out With The Boys
Go with a pal	0
The pal is happily married	+1
The pal is single	-7
He drives a Porsche	-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)	-15
A Night Out With Her
You take her to a movie	+2
You take her to a movie she likes	+4
You take her to a movie you hate	+6
You take her to a movie you like	-2
It's called Death Cop 3	-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans	-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans	-15
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable pot belly	-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it	+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts	-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."	-800
The Big Question
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in responding.	-10
You reply, "Where?"	-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"	-100
Any other response	-20
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying a concerned expression	0
... you listen, for over 30 minutes	+5
... you relate to her problem and share a similar experience	+50
... your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?"	-50
... you listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV	+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep	-200

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,
and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

[BThis means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them....{Snip}...[/COLOR][/B]

The up side of the alzheimers; they'll believe they have a new husband/wife in bed every night....