Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Shame...
Fired after 31 years
James "Jim" Whitey, the head gardener at the White House, was
dismissed today after 31 years of loyal service to many US
Presidents and First Ladies.
In an exclusive interview outside the back gate of the Presidential
Residence, the 64-year old Mr. Whitey, proclaimed his innocence and
strongly condemned his firing.
"It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze," said the bewildered
Whitey. "All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed
outside the Oval Office window like I do every week.
I called out to my assistants, "Has anyone seen the spade and the
hoe?" and the next thing I knew, the Secret Service was hauling my ass
off the property.

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman meets Herb in a bar.They talk; they connect; they end up leavingtogether..They get back to his place and as Herb shows her around his apartment.She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that Herb had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them andshe was immediately touched by the amount of thought Herb had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bearscovering the length of the middle shelf and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a largecollection of teddy bears.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking. After a while, she findsherself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be thefuture father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly onthe lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds and he romantically lifts her inhis arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each others clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, They are lying there together in theafterglow. She rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'

Herb gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her
eyes,and says:

'Help yourself to any prize on the middle shelf'

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

I'm a "lapsed catholic" who recently attempted to work my way back by going to confession. I went into the confessional the other day after years of being away from the Church.
On the wall opposite the screen there was a decanter with fine Irish whiskey, Waterford crystal glasses, and an array of fine cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It's been a very long time since my last confession. I must admit the confessional is much more inviting than it used to be.
"He replies: " Get out, you moron, you're on my side "

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

How to use insults as compliments

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

My Twilight Years ~ Clint Eastwood

As I enjoy my twilight years, I am often struck by the inevitability that the party must end.

There will be a clear, cold morning when there isn't any "more." No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat. It seems to me that one of the important things to do before that morning comes, is to let every one of your family and friends

know that you care for them by finding simple ways to let them know your heartfelt beliefs and the guiding principles of your life so they can always say, "He was my friend, and I know where he stood."

So, just in case I'm gone tomorrow, please know this: I voted against that incompetent, lying, flip-flopping, insincere, double-talking, radical socialist, terrorist excusing, bleeding heart, narcissistic, scientific and economic moron currently in the White House!

Participating in a gun buy-back program because you think that criminals have too many guns is like having yourself castrated because you think your neighbors have too many kids.

Regards, Clint

[KenB]

Re: Joke of the Day

Weird Al Yankovic recorded this probably 35 years ago.

Still funny!

[sdrawkcab]

Re: Joke of the Day

I have a new girlfriend, she's from Thailand.

She said to me 'Having a small penis will not affect our relationship'

Still, I wish she didn't have one.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

"Hello?"
"Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "but honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now."
Brief pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. I want you to put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled up."
"Okay, Daddy just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it, Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, mommy got scared, jumped out of bed naked and ran around screaming. Then she tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all."
"Oh my God!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead!
Real long pause
Then daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5732?"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.
The strongest one started 1st,
"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire"
Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!"
Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

A couple take their son to the circus. After a while the father gets up to get some popcorn. While he is away the little boy notices something hanging down between the elephants legs. "Mommy, what is that hanging down on the elephant?", the boy asks. The embarrassed mother says "Oh, that's nothing honey", and is relieved when the father returns with the popcorn. Not satisfied with the mother's answer the little boy waits until his mother leaves to use the bathroom and asks his father "Dad, what is that hanging down between the elephant's legs?". Dad answers, " That's the elephant's penis". The little boy says, "Well how come when I asked mom she said that it was nothing?". Dad leans back and says "Son, I've spoiled that woman..."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

The reposts are getting more frequent. I think I posted that elephant joke not but a few pages back...

My wife left me for an Indian guy. It's okay though, I hear they worship cows...

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two ladies walk into a morticians office...
The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit."
The mortician agrees and thanks the woman and the first woman leaves. Now the second woman comes in and says, "I know I've brought my husband wearing a black suit, but I've always really loved him in blue. Is there any way you can have him in a blue suit for his funeral?"
The mortician assures her that it's not a problem and the second woman thanks her and leaves. A few days later the mortician shows up at the first man's funeral and his widow walks up and says, "Thank you so much for doing this. My husband looks wonderful in the black suit you found him."
The mortician replies, "Of course, I was happy to do it. And here's your check back."
"No, I really appreciate it and I want to pay you, just take whatever you need."
"Oh no really, it didn't cost me anything. You see, right after you came in a woman showed up with her husband in a black suit and she wanted him wearing blue. So in the end all I had to do was switch the heads."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A german, French, and Italian spy get captured. The French spy is tied with his hands strapped behind his back, a d is tortured and interrogated. He confesses after one hour. The German spy lasts two hours before confessing. The Italian spy lasts hours before his captors give up on him. The German and French spies ask how he lasted so long without talking and he says "I wanted to talk, but I couldn't move my hands."