Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Three engineers and three salesmen were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three salesmen each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an salesman. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. They all boarded the train. The salesmen took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The salesmen saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the salesmen decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed salesman. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three salesmen crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the salesmen were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says , "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day

I once went to an open air Queen concert. There was a terrible electrical storm during the performance.

Thunderbolts and lightning. Very, very frightening.

Groan..

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day

A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in liverpool
police said the road will be closed for at least five minutes.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in liverpool
police said the road will be closed for at least five minutes.

Further news:
A semi trailer layed on it's side carrying full of cases of beer on the M1 four lane motor way.
Police reported the motor-way should be cleared in about three an a half minutes.
They reported if it happend 5 klm further down the road in front of the University residential,
the motor-way would have been cleared in a minute and a half.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Yer but there is a difference between dancing nude in "the shower " and dancing nude in "a shower"...
The parol officer will make the clear I'm sure...

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A guy wakes up from a coma.
His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All I remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and I couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and asked, "Can you please press one?".

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here'sto spending the rest of me Life, Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best Toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the Prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
Sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking Buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled Leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal." "No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal." "No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

This is how it has been told before.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

Apology for the "auto-bot" 'klm' hyperlink in a previous thread. As people know KLM is dutch airlines.
I have no association with KLM. I find these unwelcome hyper links prevelent after I installed Firefox for android; great program but I'm not sure it's fully secure to adware and such.

Apology for being off topic....

PS I will remove this post within 24 hrs...

I didn't even notice. I just read a s being short for KiLoMeter.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!