Joke of the Day

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

This reminds me of a video on youtube by CollegeHumor called "Grammar Nazi."

This is probably not the video you are looking for:

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Santa comes down a chimney, but finds a gorgeous brunette waiting for him, wearing the sexiest lingerie imaginable. "Santa," she purrs, "can you stay for a while?" "Ho, ho ho! I've gotta go! Have to deliver toys to children, you know!" She comes close, starts playing with his beard, whispers in his ear, "Santa, do you have any gift you would like to give me?" "Ho, ho, ho! I've gotta go! Have to spread Christmas Cheer, you know!" She takes off her straps, giving Santa a view of her breasts. "Santa, are you sure there's no gift you like to leave?" "Hey hey hey, might as well stay. I can't get up the chimney this way!"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

What do the reindeer's wives do while their husbands are helping Santa deliver gifts all over the world?
They go into town to blow a few bucks.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Mother cat cleans her kittens:

Hey Mum! you missed a spot !!..

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.
One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!"
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man goes to buy a motorbike before meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. He finds an amazing looking model and asks the dealer what the price is. The dealer replies 'It's only $1000, but there's a catch. It's not waterproof. When it rains, you have to rub vaseline over it or it will rust quickly." The man accepts this and buys the motorbike.
He picks his girlfriend up that night on his new bike and they head to her parents' house. As they approach, his girlfriend says to him "Listen, my parents are a bit weird. This might sound funny, but we have a rule that there's no speaking at the dinner table. If you speak, you have to wash the dishes."
He's a bit surprised, but replies that this is no problem, and he'd be glad to do the dishes. She adds "The only problem is, no-one has spoken at the dinner table for about 5 years. There is a MASSIVE pile of dishes in the kitchen." The man is even more taken aback, but says 'that's fine, I'll just keep my mouth shut".
They pull up outside the house and head inside, sit down and start eating. Minutes pass, and the man starts to grow annoyed at this silly household custom. He wonders how to annoy his girlfriend's parents, and eventually leans across and starts kissing his girlfriend.
She's a bit surprised, but responds, and her parents look annoyed but can't say anything. Encouraged by this, he pulls his girlfriend onto the dinner table and has his way with her. Eventually they finish, he puts her back into her seat, and looks at her parents. They're looking mighty pissed off but they don't say a single word.
He thinks 'well, the mother's not bad looking...', pulls her onto the dinner table, and has his way with her too. She doesn't complain, the daughter is in a state of blissful exhaustion, the father looks extremely pissed, but he is allowed to finish and puts her back into her seat.
Just then it starts to rain. As he hears the drops, he remembers about his motorbike, stands up and takes a tube of vaseline out of his pocket. The father immediately stands up and yells 'Okay, okay, I'll do the fucking dishes, just don't touch me!'

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A blonde and a brunette decide to rob a bank...
The brunette is the getaway driver. She told the plan to the blonde, told her to be back in less than 5 minutes, and dropped her off at the front door of the bank.
10 minutes goes by.... No sight of the blonde... 20 minutes goes by... No sight of the blonde...
Finally, after a half hour the blonde comes running out of the bank, dragging the safe by a long rope. As soon as the blonde gets into the car, the brunette sees the guard running as fast as he can towards them, with his pants at his ankles...
After a few moments of silence, the brunette realizes what happened and screamed to the blonde, " You IDIOT! You were supposed to tie up the guard and blow the safe!!!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

What did Kate Middleton find out on her wedding night?

Not all rulers are twelve inches long.

[41-willys]

Re: Joke of the Day

Haven't checked out the jokes in a while almost shot coffee outmy nose on a couple of them. thanks for the laugh

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman is before a Judge being tried for theft. The Judge asks "what did you steal"? The woman replies " a can of peaches Your Honor". The Judge asks "How many peaches were in the can"? The lady says "4". The Judge says " I am sentencing you to one day in jail for each peach", and is about to bang the gavel when a man stands up from the spectators area and asks, " Your Honor, as her husband, may I speak"? The Judge says "certainly". The man says, "She also stole a can of peas"....Emujo

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before Icon get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About three hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey. Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he haste wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A lithe while later. Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he let here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

I woke up last night to find a stranger in my house looking through stuff. I ask him what he was doing and he told me he was looking for money, so I got up to help him.

[fixthecopier]

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "Whats your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"Thats a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."