Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two men are drinking in a bar.
One of them looks across the bar and sees two old drunks sitting at a table. He turns to his friend and says, "In ten years, that will be us."

His friend looks and says, "That's a mirror, dumbass."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Bob's a factory worker, and one day, the boss is showing a bunch of Japanese investors around the factory. One of them sees Bob, and they promptly exchange handshakes and start talking like long lost friends. Afterwards, Bobs boss asks him what that was about. Bob just replies 'oh, I know him from a few years back, I actually know a lot of important people.'
His boss is sceptic, but Bob replies: 'Tell you what, name anyone you can think off, I bet you that they know me.' 'Fine,' says his boss, and he's determined to have Bob be embarressed, so he decides to put the bar high: 'President Obama.' 'Cool, no problem,' says Bob.
A week later they're both standing outside the White House, and Obama comes out, spots Bob and goes "Bob? What are you doing here? Come in, bring your friend, lets have a drink together." Bobs boss has no clue how, but somehow Bob and the president are friends. Once they leave his boss goes 'Fine, you know the president, but I bet you dont know the pope'.
Bob accepts the challenge, and the next week they're standing in Saint Peters square. 'This isnt gonna work, he's never going to see me here when theres this much people. You stay here, I'll go talk to him and you'll see me on the balcony, the guards know me too.' Half an hour later, Bob and the pope appear side by side on the balcony. Bobs boss gets a heart attack, and Bob goes to visit him in the hospital.
'What happened? Did you not expect me to actually know the pope?' 'No, it wasnt that, I sortof expected that to happen. But there was a tourist next to me that asked 'Who's the guy in his pyjamas standing next to Bob there?'.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Three blondes are hiking in the woods when they see some tracks.
1st blonde: Look guys, deer tracks!
2nd blonde: No, stupid, they're wolf tracks!
3rd blonde: You guys are both dumb, they're clearly bear tracks!
Then they got hit by a train.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

I was going to tell a joke about unemployment, but it wasn't going to work.

[Tata]

Re: Joke of the Day

Wouldn't that be a cake job... a comedian who only tours retirement homes...

"It's like deja vu all over again"

[fixthecopier]

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Did you know that you can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water?

If it sinks, it's a girl ant.

If it floats...ready for this, it's buoyant!

[allan]

Re: Joke of the Day

This guy is sitting in a bar with two glasses. As the barman watch him he takes a sip of the one and then throws the a bit of the other one over his hand. After 2 rounds of this the barman had to ask why he is was doing that so the man replied "dont worry i am just making by date drunk".

[mohan]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Schizoid Jehovahs witness knocks on a door, the door opens, and the house-holder says: ''Go away, BOTH of you!''

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

[gwaddle]

Re: Joke of the Day

Did you know that you can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water?

If it sinks, it's a girl ant.

If it floats...ready for this, it's buoyant!

I'm afraid I must give this one a groan.

[wharf_rat]

Re: Joke of the Day

What did the termite say when he joined his friends for a drink? Where's the bartender? Get it???

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

What did the termite say when he joined his friends for a drink? Where's the bartender? Get it???

Nope

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

What did the termite say when he joined his friends for a drink? Where's the bartender? Get it???

It think it would make more sense as "Was the bartender here?"