Joke of the Day

[White_Toner]

Re: Joke of the Day

I go to buy some beer :-)

[allan]

Re: Joke of the Day

Ok im not from cold snowy places so i found this funny.



What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?




Snowballs!!

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A police officer pulls over a priest for swerving. As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. Officer says, "father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No my son. Why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh my son, that's just holy water."
"OK father. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well my son, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all my son."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Father, this is wine."
The preacher, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

What's the difference between a garbonzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a garbonzo bean on my face.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

What's the difference between a garbonzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a garbonzo bean on my face.

None.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Last night, my wife woke me up..
Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!
So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why does Dr. Pepper come in aluminum cans?

Because he's a fucking creep.

[KapeKopyTek]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why does Dr. Pepper come in aluminum cans?

Because he's a fucking creep.

Bit of a daredevil too......

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why are mountains so funny?

Because they are hill areas.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

There was a little down in Italy with a church with a bell. The priest would have to run up 80 flights of stairs to reach the bell and ring it to show the people it was noon. Now, the priest was old and could not longer walk up the stairs and ring the bell. He decided it would be best to find an assistant to do it for him. One day the priest put out a bunch of flyers about how he was looking for an assistant and anyone whk was interested should come to the church.
After two weeks of no responses, the priest was hopeless until he heard a knock on the church door. He opened the door to see a man with no arms standing there.
"Hello my son, what is your cause of being here?" He questioned the man.
"I am here for the bell-ringer position. Is it still open?" The man replied.
"Well yes, it is, but how could a man like you ring a bell?" The priest asked.
"Trust me, father, I will be able to ring that bell. I promise." The man responded.
The priest, not wanting to turn away a man for his disability decided to let the man try. If he could ring the bell at noon that day, he would get the job. The man, excitedly ran up the stairs and the priest waited for noon to come.
At noon, on the dot, the bell rang as loud as ever. The priest was shocked and for the first time in years he ran up the stairs to the bell. When he got to the top, he was panting, and began to speak to the man.
"My son! How on Earth were you able to ring that bell?" The priest said in between breaths.
"Father, you might think I kicked the bell but then I would lose my balance and fall. Instead, I bang my head as hard as I can against it." The man said with a smirk on his face.
The Priest was shocked to hear this, "My son! Doesn't that hurt you?" The Priest asked.
"No father, if it did, I would not have applied for this job."
The Priest took the man's word and decided to let him keep the job. From that day on, the bell rang beautifully, at noon exactly every time. About two weeks later, the bell didn't ring. The man had fallen from the tower to the street below!
The police arrived at the seen and began questioning individuals. The Priest came running out and met the officers by the horrific corpse.
"Father, do you know anything about who this man was?" The officer questioned the Priest.
"I'm so sorry officer, no I don't even know his name. However, his face rings a bell."

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

There was a little down in Italy with a church with a bell. The priest would have to run up 80 flights of stairs to reach the bell and ring it to show the people it was noon. Now, the priest was old and could not longer walk up the stairs and ring the bell. He decided it would be best to find an assistant to do it for him. One day the priest put out a bunch of flyers about how he was looking for an assistant and anyone whk was interested should come to the church.
After two weeks of no responses, the priest was hopeless until he heard a knock on the church door. He opened the door to see a man with no arms standing there.
"Hello my son, what is your cause of being here?" He questioned the man.
"I am here for the bell-ringer position. Is it still open?" The man replied.
"Well yes, it is, but how could a man like you ring a bell?" The priest asked.
"Trust me, father, I will be able to ring that bell. I promise." The man responded.
The priest, not wanting to turn away a man for his disability decided to let the man try. If he could ring the bell at noon that day, he would get the job. The man, excitedly ran up the stairs and the priest waited for noon to come.
At noon, on the dot, the bell rang as loud as ever. The priest was shocked and for the first time in years he ran up the stairs to the bell. When he got to the top, he was panting, and began to speak to the man.
"My son! How on Earth were you able to ring that bell?" The priest said in between breaths.
"Father, you might think I kicked the bell but then I would lose my balance and fall. Instead, I bang my head as hard as I can against it." The man said with a smirk on his face.
The Priest was shocked to hear this, "My son! Doesn't that hurt you?" The Priest asked.
"No father, if it did, I would not have applied for this job."
The Priest took the man's word and decided to let him keep the job. From that day on, the bell rang beautifully, at noon exactly every time. About two weeks later, the bell didn't ring. The man had fallen from the tower to the street below!
The police arrived at the seen and began questioning individuals. The Priest came running out and met the officers by the horrific corpse.
"Father, do you know anything about who this man was?" The officer questioned the Priest.
"I'm so sorry officer, no I don't even know his name. However, his face rings a bell."

To continue the story:
The next day the deceased man's twin brother showed up and said he would like the job ringing the bell. the Priest hired him and for another couple of weeks the bell rang beautifully. Then he also fell and was killed. The people gathered around. The the Officer asked if anyone knew him, one man piped up and said "He looks like a dead ringer for his brother."

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day