Joke of the Day

[Phil B.]

Re: Joke of the Day

Yeah a lil outta date.. but WTF!

Lil Johnny is at it again!


"What does your Mommy Do?"


One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living.


All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.


However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his mother...

He replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."


The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your mother?"


"No" Lil Johnny said

"She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

The Indian With One Testicle There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who wasBlueBird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, butYellowBird wouldn't die! Why ??? OH, come on... take a guess !!! Think about it ! You're going to love this !!! Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds withOneStone!!!

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Subject: Golf Nut

Ed & Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as
you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights and yanks the blanket back. There is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also.
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

"HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

"HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat..

"HE paid for your Football season tickets..

"HE paid for our house at the lake.
"HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.

"HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.

"And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month."

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'


The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

England
Brexit.jpg
Brexit

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done
and do not try to blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that
it was NOT senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music,

The pride out of appearance,

The courtesy out of driving,

The romance out of love,

The commitment out of marriage,

The responsibility out of parenthood,

The togetherness out of the family,

The learning out of education

The service out of patriotism,

The Golden Rule from rulers,

The nativity scene out of cities,

The civility out of behavior,

The refinement out of language,

The dedication out of employment,

The prudence out of spending,

The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.


And we certainly are NOT the ones who
eliminated patience and tolerance from
personal relationships and interactions with
others!!

And, we DO understand the meaning of
patriotism, and remember those who have
fought and died for our country.

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts, as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts, as the American Flag passes by in a parade!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party.....
Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps.....
With a hammer.

I'm awake many hours before
my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time,
because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm sure everything I can't find is
in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy,
and that's just my left leg.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.


Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN
and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them.
Or, maybe I should send it to all my friends anyway.
They won't remember, even if they did send it.
Spread the laughter
Share the cheer
Let's be happy
While we're here.


Go Green - Recycle Congress!!!!

[Phil B.]

Re: Joke of the Day

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done
and do not try to blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that
it was NOT senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music,

The pride out of appearance,

The courtesy out of driving,

The romance out of love,

The commitment out of marriage,

The responsibility out of parenthood,

The togetherness out of the family,

The learning out of education

The service out of patriotism,

The Golden Rule from rulers,

The nativity scene out of cities,

The civility out of behavior,

The refinement out of language,

The dedication out of employment,

The prudence out of spending,

The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.


And we certainly are NOT the ones who
eliminated patience and tolerance from
personal relationships and interactions with
others!!

And, we DO understand the meaning of
patriotism, and remember those who have
fought and died for our country.

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts, as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts, as the American Flag passes by in a parade!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party.....
Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps.....
With a hammer.

I'm awake many hours before
my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time,
because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm sure everything I can't find is
in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy,
and that's just my left leg.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.


Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN
and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them.
Or, maybe I should send it to all my friends anyway.
They won't remember, even if they did send it.
Spread the laughter
Share the cheer
Let's be happy
While we're here.


Go Green - Recycle Congress!!!!

AMEN TO ALL OF THAT
.
SPECIAL KUDOS FOR THE LAST LINE!

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

THOUGHTS As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's rear anymore. .. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. .. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat. .. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while .. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran. 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ? 7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser. 8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess. 16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after". 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........?

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the

beginning of a new argument.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING

YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me

in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Men Are Just Happier People, What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $3500. Tux rental-$75. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier! NICKNAMES � If Sheila, Candy and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Sheila, Candy and Sarah. � If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman . EATING OUT � When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.. � When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY � A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. � A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS � A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. � The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 137. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS � A woman has the last word in any argument. � Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUTURE � A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. � A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. MARRIAGE � A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. � A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP � A woman will dress up to go shopping, meeting friends for lunch, watering the plants, answering the phone, and getting the mail. � A man will dress up for weddings and funerals (sometimes, just his own...) NATURAL � Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. � Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING � A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. � A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING: TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE SO - ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS. ~Your kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are perfect! ~Going out is good.. Coming home is better! ~You forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!! ~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf. ~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore. ~You sleep better on a lounge chair with theTV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep". ~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.. ~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ??? ~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere. ~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!! ~What used to be freckles are now liver spots. ~Everybody whispers. ~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear. ~~~But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!! Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" Send this on to other "Old Friends!" and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!! It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived. It sucks getting old, but it's better than the alternative.

--

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A little girl won two goldfish at a fair. When the family arrived home, her mother asked her what she was going to call them.

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."


Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN,

YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE

SO - ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.


~Your kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are perfect!


~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!


~You forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!


~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf.


~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.


~You sleep better on a lounge chair with theTV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".


~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..


~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???


~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.


~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!


~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.


~Everybody whispers.

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear.


~~~But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!


Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" Send this on to other "Old Friends!" and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!

It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.