Joke of the Day

[izzynut]

Re: Joke of the Day

An Irishman's first drink with his son!






While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories






came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.






Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.






I got him a Guinness He didn't like it, so I drank it.






Then I got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.






Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?






He didn't. I drank it.






I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a






Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast ,






Ireland 's finest whisky.






He wouldn't even smell it.






What could I do but drink it!






By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so






shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

[Phil B.]

Re: Joke of the Day

good one.. but frankly as a teen babysitter..father of two ( one on my own since 6.5 weeks old ) i have changed more diapers than both my ex's did COMBINED... my trick? a clothespin on my nose!

hell there MUST be a joke in there somewhere!

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

Still nothing

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!"

The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a copier technician."

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[Phil B.]

Re: Joke of the Day

Does that work with his wife too?

[Phil B.]

Re: Joke of the Day

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix!"
The wife teed up and it was a very powerful shot, taking it right through the window of the biggest house on the course with a crash. The husband cringed and said "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me! I'm allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!"
"No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world!" she said.
"Consider it done!" the genie replied.
"And what's your wish genie, now that you're finally free?" asked the husband.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at the wife and said "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. Afterward, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said: "How old is your husband anyway?"
"38," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joey Shasta, retired pilot, of Pittsburg, PA."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed."

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."

Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.

After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"

The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."

[Geo]

Re: Joke of the Day

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joey Shasta, retired pilot, of Pittsburg, PA."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed."

I heard the same joke , but it was a New York taxi cab driver that got a mansion with a limo with driver , the priest only got a little cottage.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day



ALWAYS WARM YOUR HANDS BEFORE MILKING YOUR COW

[Phil B.]

Re: Joke of the Day

ALWAYS WARM YOUR HANDS BEFORE MILKING YOUR COW

I thought they kicked backwards?

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk

[tsbservice]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100....

Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day