Joke of the Day

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

A teenage boy went out with his girlfriend one snowy night. In the morning there was loud knocking on the boys parents front door... it was the father of the girl.
'What's up?' the boys father said.
'Your son has urinated in my garden and I know it's him because it spells out his name', said the girls father
'I don't see any problem' the boys father said, 'lots of young lads do that when they've had a few'
'There is a problem' he replied, 'it was my daughters hand writing'

[StrippedScrew]

Re: Joke of the Day

Of course, every engine rebuild consists of:

1. Replacing the muffler bearing

2. A new coat of valve wax

3. New piston return springs

All are a must!

Don't forget to top off the blinker fluid!

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A couple takes their son to the circus; after a while the father gets up to get some popcorn. While he is away the little boy notices something hanging down between the elephants legs. "Mommy, what is that hanging down on the elephant?", the boy asks. The embarrassed mother says "Oh, that's nothing honey", and is relieved when the father returns with the popcorn. Not satisfied with the mother's answer the little boy waits until his mother leaves to use the bathroom and asks his father "Dad, what is that hanging down between the elephant's legs?". Dad answers, " That's the elephant's penis". The little boy says, "Well how come when I asked mom she said that it was nothing?". Dad leans back and says "Son, I've spoiled that woman....."

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A policeman on his horse says to little girl on her bike, "Did santa get you that?" "Yes," she replies
"Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year," and fines her $5. The little girl look up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that too?"
The Policeman chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl,"Next year, tell Santa the fuckin dick goes under the horse, not on top of it"!

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon."
The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Brings back memories .... Some idiot(namely mioa about 14 years old) bogged a tractor of similar size in a tidal creek bed.
That was a scary time trying to find a local farmer with a tractor to pull it out before the tide came in.
The old man said" count your lucky stars boy, you would have been paying for the engine rebuild for quite some time."

true story, I sh!t you not...

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

Brings back memories .... Some idiot(namely mioa about 14 years old) bogged a tractor of similar size in a tidal creek bed.
That was a scary time trying to find a local farmer with a tractor to pull it out before the tide came in.
The old man said" count your lucky stars boy, you would have been paying for the engine rebuild for quite some time."

true story, I sh!t you not...

This reminds me of a time in the late 60's. I was working on maintenance staff at a Presbyterian camp grounds. We were stringing barbed wire to keep the cattle out. Going across a meadow with three spools playing out from the back of a four wheel drive IH pickup. One of those on the back let out a blood curdling "Stop". Thinking that someone was caught in the wire, the driver, mioa, sjammed on the brakes. It had been raining the night before. Right up to the axles on all four wheels. We had to get the road grader to pull it out. The tractor was stuck in a creek on the lower camp are and the 2 1/2 ton flat bed was stuck in the mud at the garbage site.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy". Now I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A tourist is sitting in a pub in Ireland.
Suddenly, an elderly man walks in, and the entire bar erupts in laughter. He goes and sits at the bar.
The young tourist slides over to him and asks, "Why were they all laughing at you?"
The old man looks at him, and says "Do you see this bar?"
"Yes, it's quite beautiful"
"Aye, I built this bar, and every bar in this town. But do they call me Seamus the Bar-builder? No.
"How about that fence? Do you like that fence?"
"Of course" said the tourist.
"Aye, I built that fence, and it runs all through town. But do they call me Seamus the Fence-builder? No.
"But you fuck one goat..."

[Phrag]

Re: Joke of the Day

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon."
The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

This reminds me of a video on youtube by CollegeHumor called "Grammar Nazi."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A husband and wife are watching a show about the psychology of mixed emotions. The husband says "what a bunch of horse shit. I tell you what: if you can make feel happy and sad at the same time, I'll do the dishes for the rest of the year.
His wife thinks for a second and replies "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.