Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Last night I was having some wings and beer with a coworker after work. There were these two pretty, but kinda fat girls drinking at the bar and being loud. They had what I could have sworn was a Scottish accent.
I'm a big fan of girls from the UK, so I struck up a conversation. I asked them, "So... you two ladies are from Scotland?"
I could see immediately that I had offended them. The brunette scowled and said, hotly, "WALES!"
I apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

There was a guy who had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...

" I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."

[KenB]

Re: Joke of the Day

There was a guy who had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...

" I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."

Ba-dum!

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

There was a guy who had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...

" I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."

Collective grown!! Possibly the most horrible joke yet.. Emujo

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

Lost Dog:
Left ear missing... Right Eye gone... Three Legs... Half a tail... Recently Castrated...

Answers to "Lucky"

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Autopsy lesson

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.
After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation:
How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"

After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A very successful lawyer buys a new Ferrari, he parks in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too close and completely tears the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up to take a report.
Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically. His Ferrari, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally winds down from his ranting and raving, the officer shakes his head in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "All you care about is money and your possessions."
The lawyer unleashes a stream of obscenities before the officer can calm him down.
"Hear me out...see, you are so worried about your car, you didn't even notice that the accident took off your left arm."
"Oh my god!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

[Shadow]

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

An old and crusty army master sergeant was sitting by himself at a bar when a beautiful blonde bombshell comes in the room. She noticed the old Master Sergeant right away. She finds him rugged and handsome, and sits down next to him.
"May I buy you a drink?" she asks him. He obliges.
She's obviously interested in him. The blonde says to him "So tell me what you do. You seem to be in great shape for a man your age."
"I'm a retired Army Master Sergeant. I don't do much anymore, besides sit at his here bar every night."
She notices he isn't wearing a ring. "Are you not married?", she asks.
"Never have been. Spent most of my life overseas in combat. The army was my wife, until I left her."
At this point, they hit it off. They strike up great conversation, and continue buying each other drinks. The blonde's inhibitions have obviously lowered at this point, and without hesitation, she asks him another question.
"So tell me, Master Sergeant. How long has it been since you've been laid?"
He takes a long pause and stares in the distance in deep thought. He then says, "1955".
The blonde is shocked. "1955! You have some catching up to do! You and me, in my car, right now!"
They hopped in her backseat and commenced to the roughest sex she has ever had. She has orgasm after orgasm. She couldn't believe his sexual prowess.
She catches her breath after they finish. She's never been fucked so good before. Completely amazed, she says to him, "Master Sergeant, you definitely have not lost your touch since 1955. You were amazing!"
He takes a look down at his watch and says "I sure hope like hell I haven't, it's only 2330 now!"

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

a two seater plane crashed landed in a cemetary in ireland .so far they have recovered 2000 bodies

[Phrag]

Re: Joke of the Day

What do eskimoes get when they sit on the ice for too long?

Polaroids.


Technically, its a riddle, but it's still good.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

[Shadow]