Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life Towards 2013 -- Remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called .... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes, Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex.

Thought for the day: Be who you are and say what you feel ... because those that matter... don't mind ... and those that mind ...don't matter!

If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull off to the side of the road.

And As You Slide Down that Banister of Life You Should Pray That All The Splinters Are Pointed The Other Way...

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

for all the cat lovers out there... watch the full serie

OMFG LMAO! Somebody obviously has cats... and too much time on their hands... which is surprising if he has cats...

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A beautiful young Blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks into the forward cabin at the First Class seats.

Seeing that the First Class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm young ... blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much." hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the First Class section isn't going to New York."

[Tricky]

Re: Joke of the Day

@ Akitu so silly its good +1 rep.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

@ Akitu so silly its good +1 rep.

Appreciated. I have many more where these come from... I may even throw in an image when I run out.

*Edit* Ah what the heck... blind.jpg blind caterpillar.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A blonde was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a really bad hail storm.

The hail stones were as big as golf balls. Her car was dented badly. The next day she took it to a repair shop.

The repair guy, noticing that she was blond, decided to have some fun. He told her to blow into the tail pipe really hard when she got home, and the dents would pop out.

When she got home she started blowing into the tail pipe, and her blonde girl friend saw her. Her friend was startled and said "What are you doing?" and thinking the worst.

She told her the repair guy had told her to blow into the tail pipe really hard and the dents would pop out. Her girl friend said, "Well duhhhh... you need to roll up the windows first."

[PASTech]

Re: Joke of the Day

You a silly man Akitu. Now tell us where you are mooching all those jokes from so some of us can get rep from it too

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

One I just told to a customer:

Some guy had a dentist apointment early in the morning, but before leaving he decided to have some oral fun with his wife. After finishing, he noticed a small pubic hair from her stuck in between his front teeth.

Unable to pull it out, he left to the dentist, thinking he wouldn't notice.

As you can imagine, as soon as he entered the dentist's office, the doctor said, laughing:

"I see you've been muff diving before coming here!"

The man, embaraced, said:

"Sorry for that... You found out because of the pubic hair I have in my teeth?"

"No, man! You have shit stuck to your chin!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

One I just told to a customer:

Some guy had a dentist apointment early in the morning, but before leaving he decided to have some oral fun with his wife. After finishing, he noticed a small pubic hair from her stuck in between his front teeth.

Unable to pull it out, he left to the dentist, thinking he wouldn't notice.

As you can imagine, as soon as he entered the dentist's office, the doctor said, laughing:

"I see you've been muff diving before coming here!"

The man, embaraced, said:

"Sorry for that... You found out because of the pubic hair I have in my teeth?"

"No, man! You have shit stuck to your chin!"

Why is eating out like driving in a snowstorm?

You're always afraid of slipping into some ass hole...

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with?

Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

It would appear I'm the only one posting jokes these days. I will continue to do so until I run out of sources or material.

A blonde, a red head and a brunette sign up with a tourist group and chartered a double-decker bus to go to London. There are only 2 seats left on the bottom of the bus and only 1 seat in the top of the bus available when they board. They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn. The blonde won the toss.

A couple of hours later it's the red heads turn so she walks up the stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.

"What's goin' on?" the red head asks. "We're havin' a grand old time down below."

The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

Thats because you have an endless supply of good jokes.

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

A friend of mine sent this to me for hunting season

Just a reminder of what the local whit tail dear look like in our area.

This is was just in case I forgot.....







white-tail.jpg

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

A department is like a tree full of monkeys,All on different limbs at different levels.Some monkeys are climbing up some down.
The monkeys on top look down & see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up & see nothing but assholes.

I got home from the pub last night and my missus said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."
She said, "Yes you are."
I said, "No I'm not."
She said, "Can you tell the time?"
I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not drunk."

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."