Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

With all of the election commotion going on in the states, I thought this might be a bit appropriate.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks in t he peephole and finds his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

With all of the election commotion going on in the states, I thought this might be a bit appropriate.

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

YEAH !!!!

That pretty much describes what is going on ....................

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

YEAH !!!!

That pretty much describes what is going on ....................

...what has always been going on, not just in the present time (IMHO)...

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Same can be said for Canada, but if I cared THAT much I would actually have to vote. Can't force the elective candidates to see the same problems as the public, can't force a public agenda before a private one blah blah blah...

*Edit* Yay! 500 posts.

[Herrmann]

Re: Joke of the Day

as we pray every newcomer: always read the manual

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

Man in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth.
"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"
Nurse raises his gown,holds his cock in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She takes a good look and says,"There's nothing wrong with them sir."
Man pulls of the oxygen mask, smiles and says "Thanks for that....but I was just wandering if my Test-Results-Back?"

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Man in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth.
"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"
Nurse raises his gown,holds his cock in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She takes a good look and says,"There's nothing wrong with them sir."
Man pulls of the oxygen mask, smiles and says "Thanks for that....but I was just wandering if my Test-Results-Back?"

Oooouch.... Still brings tears to my eyes from memories of childhood pushbike handle bars and Teenage motorcycle days... errr ummm...

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife decided it was time for some marital counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[Masterchief]

If ya aint prepared to shoe the horse, Ya sure as hell aint riding it

if ya laughed rep me thanks

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

A learning experience..

Names have been removed to protect the stupid !
Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms.

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall,
feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured
that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have
much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right
up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck
not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it
and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and
transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They
were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- actually 3 of them. I
picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the
feeder,
and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have
a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could
tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension
on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand
there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to
action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer just EXPLODED !!!

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a
LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range
I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was
no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me
off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to
me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I
had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many
other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk
me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a
few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood
flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my
taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature
off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck,
it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At
that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the
feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I
had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against
various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still
think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I
shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in,
so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed
to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little
trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my
rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years
would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very
surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer
grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse
where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes
its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze
and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method
was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but
it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim
by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my
right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up
on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and
their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse
--strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the
best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive
move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a
bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery
would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different
strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a
horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit
you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses
after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because
the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and
knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not
immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the da nger has
passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on
you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering
your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with
a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Love Story of Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in
a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the
pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable..

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his Bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He
didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

[PASTech]

Re: Joke of the Day

Dyslexic man walks into a bra, OUCH!!!

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

--jokes from Newslite.tv Top 50 jokes...some real good ones there

[xswabeeemt]

Re: Joke of the Day

>
>Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
>
>
>At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you
>all
>Led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
>Back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
>
>
>The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"
>
>
>And *poof* she's gone.
>
>
>The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
>
>
>The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."
>
>St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask
>
>
>"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
>
>
>St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just
>doesn't
>Ring a bell."
>
>
>The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
>Peter.
>
>
>St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her
>and
>Says.
>
>
>
>
>"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid
>by
>1,400 men in 6 months."
>
>
>If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!
>x

[Kidaver]

Re: Joke of the Day

Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "you see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tabacco and some rolling papers; cause "it's sooo-ooo--ooo much cheaper."

So, I figure if I have to roll my own.......so does she.

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

My pet mouse Elvis, died today. He was caught in a trap

An elephant is drinking out of a river, when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. So he ambles over as quietly as he can, and kicks it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because i recognised it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago", he replies.
"Wow! What a great memory you have" says the giraffe.
"I know," says the elephant. "Turtle Recall"

I went to see the Red Arrows today.

There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.

It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.