Re: Joke of the Day
Only an engineer would say fu*cking Lexmark
Only an engineer would say fu*cking Lexmark
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Re: Joke of the Day
Looks familiar...' "But the salesman said . . ." The salesman's an asshole!'
Mascan42
'You will always find some Eskimo ready to instruct the Congolese on how to cope with heat waves.'
Ibid
I'm just an ex-tech lurking around and spreading disinformation!Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
...just so long as nobody posts the full video of my avatar.73 DE W5SSJComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Jack leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Jack smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Jack broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming,"
He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, Jack finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, Jack stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...That was me."Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Getting Older:
A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --
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Re: Joke of the Day
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best,
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says,"Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Medicare Part X
Is this a great country or what?"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
:: Truth is stranger than fiction. :: {Off topic}
The politicians where going to wipe out the dole system in Australia and force every one to work for the dole. They asked the university professors to work out a viable system. The professors told the big wigs it was cheaper to pay the dole than to put all the starving and rioting people in prison. The professors quickly worked out that putting starving people in prison was going to cost the tax payer 10 times more than the dole system does at present. The prof's said to politicians "you will be paying the tax payers money at one end or the other."Inauguration to the "AI cancel-culture" fraternity 1997...
•••••• •••[§]• |N | € | o | M | Δ | t | π | ¡ | x | •[§]••• ••••••Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not usually belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Anabella during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Anabella kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.$hit Happens - Deal with it and move on.....................................sigpic....................................Lock & LoadComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Some older joke topics today, I'm sure it will bring back some memories for everyone.
Q. What does the gynecologist and the pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it but can't eat it!
Q. Did you hear Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash?
A. Yeah, some dick cut her off.
Q. Why do men float better then women?
A. Because they're scum.
Q. Do you know why women can't fart?
A. Because they can't keep their mouth shut long enough to build up pressure!
Q. Did you know they discovered a new food that stops women from wanting sex?
A. Yeah, wedding cake.
Q. Why did the Siamese twins go to London?
A. So the other one could drive.
Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q. What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in.
Q. What do you call the extra skin around a penis?
A. A man.
Q. How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
A. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
Q. What do you call a fat woman with a yeast infection?
A. A whopper with cheese.
Q. What is the difference between O.J. Simpson and Pee Wee Herman?
A. It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off!Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Q. What do you call a fat woman with a yeast infection?
A. A whopper with cheese.
Q What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A 1/4 pounder with cheese.If you don't see your question answered in the forum, please don't think it's OK to PM me for a personal reply...I do not give out firmware and/or manuals.Comment
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Two buisness men in London were sitting down for a break,In their soon -to-be new store.As yet ,the store wasn't ready,with only a few shelves set up.One said to the other,"I bet any minute now some nosey old pensioner is going to walk by,put his face to the window & ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when,sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window,had a peek & in a soft voice asked. "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,"Were selling assholes."
Without skipping a beat,the old timer said,"Must be doing well only two left."
I was sat in a restaurant last night when this drunk old tart came over:
"Anything I can do for you?" She purred.
"Yeah" I said, "get your breasts out."
"Ooh...you like 'em do ya?" She giggled.
"No love" I said, "they're dangling in my curry!!!"
A new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things, trying them out.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No sh*t! What happened next?'"
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