Joke of the Day

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

Just came across this and had to share:

THE FEMALE PRAYER
Our Cash
Which art on Plastic
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
In Harrods
As it is in Selfridges
Give us each day our Platinium Visa
And forgive us our Overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
And lead us not into Next
And deliver us from Benneton
For thine is the Cartier,the Dior and the Armani
For Chanel No.5 and Eternity
Amex

THE MALE PRAYER
Our Beer
Which art in bottles
Hallowed be thy sport
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the Pub
Give us each our daily beverage
And forgive us our Spillage
As we forgive those that spilleth onto us
And lead us not into poofy winebars
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The Chicks and the Footy forever and ever
Barmen

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

My last bunch of jokes did not appear to be as popular as my others. My apologies for the lack of quality. Hopefully this one makes up for it.

A bartender has a problem with a regular customer who nightly proclaims that he's the baddest ass person around. Eventually tiring of this boasting, the bartender says, "If you are such a bad ass, then you'll have to prove it to me."

The customer says, "No problem, name it."

The bartender says, "Okay, there's three things you have to do: first, there's this big bully at the end of the bar who's been hassling my customers all night; you have to kick him out of the bar. Secondly, I have an alligator in the back room that has had an abcessed tooth for the past week, you have to pull it. Third, there's a hooker upstairs who's never been satisfied, you have to go up there and make her cum."

The customer replies, "No problem" and commences to kick the bully out of the bar. After that he says, "OK, show me to the alligator." The bartender takes the man to the back room and shuts the door.

For about an hour there's a tremendous ruckus going on in the back room. The man eventually emerges with his clothes all torn and his body scratched and bitten, he goes up to the bartender and says, "OK, where's the hooker with the abcessed tooth?"

[Nachoman4life]

Re: Joke of the Day

Like to say this one to customers every now and then on line calls: "Lines, Lines, everywhere there's lines, marking up my copies, and breaking my mind. Hey, repairman, cant you see the lines?" Helps if you put it to tune.

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

I sometimes respond to a customer telling me that it keeps jamming with, "Do you hear rock or jazz?"

The look on their face is priceless.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

I sometimes respond to a customer telling me that it keeps jamming with, "Do you hear rock or jazz?"

The look on their face is priceless.

That would be Bob Marley's printer, "Jammin'".
As an aside, I had the absolute pleasure of seeing Bob in concert twice - it was a treat beyond imagination!

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf and country club. Luckily, it's a beautiful day, and there's hardly anyone on the course, so they've been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies who, from the guys' perspective, are having trouble on the green. In fact, they've each five-putted it!
The first guy says ''Christ. I hope they just had a bad hole, I don't want to follow these broads for the next eleven holes!'' The second one goes, ''Well, maybe I'll go talk to them, and maybe they can let us pass them. I'll be back in a sec.''
So he trots off, about to go and ask to let them pass. Suddenly, about a hundred feet away from the women, he stops, turns and runs away from them as fast as he can. When he comes back, he exclaims, ''Jesus! That's my wife and my girlfriend! They're both here! Golfing together! I'm sorry, man, but I can't say anything to them. I'm liable to be killed if they saw me. How about you go ask them?''
So the other guy concurs, and trots off to ask the women if they can pass and get on with their game. Then he stops suddenly, spins around and runs back to his buddy in the same manner. ''What's wrong? What's the matter?'' his friend says. ''Same damn thing,'' he replies.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fuckin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.

Guy: No shit!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before...

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.

Guy: Fuck yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh (grimaces), you're gonna hate Fridays.

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

You've reminded me of a joke that's probably older than I am, but still pretty funny:

Two brothers are killed in a car wreck. The older brother, having lived a very pious life is not surprised to end up in heaven without his sibling who spent most if his time drinking and chasing women.

The older brother was certainly impressed with the streets of gold, and happy to have avoided the torture of hell, but being a kind and caring person he was worried about his sibling, so he asked to check in on him, hoping he wasn't too unhappy with the eternal destination he'd earned.

St. Peter said, "Since you have expressed concern for your brother we must provide you with the luxury of being able to check up on him from time to time. This is Heaven after all..." and up from the floor came a device that resembled an upside down periscope.

Looking through it, the man saw his brother on a deserted tropical island with an enormous keg of beer, and a drop dead gorgeous blond. He was somewhat perplexed and asked, "It's certainly nice up here, and I'm not complaining, but I don't see that there's that much difference between his fate and mine. Why is it that he has been given everything that he's always wanted throughout life when he's supposed to be in a place that as unpleasant as... well, hell?"

St. Peter said, "Things are not exactly as they appear. The keg has a hole in the bottom... the blond doesn't."

[collme]

Re: Joke of the Day

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[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

[ATTACH=CONFIG]18456[/ATTACH]

That reminds me of why I shouldn't lick every exposure glass on my daily routine...

[ni311]

Re: Joke of the Day

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

That reminds me of why I shouldn't lick every exposure glass on my daily routine...

The above reminds me of an old job where I use to work in the engineering industry.
This one particular yobbo(red neck) would lord over everyone with his filthy bad attitude an in your face f!#$ you habbits.

Every morning-tea-time everyone would head to the wash room to get cleaned up for the morning tea break (smoko). This meant washing your hands and face of heavy grease and using your own personal towel to dry yourself. The idiot yobbo would always use my personal towel to dry his still dirty hands and face on before dropping it on the floor.
Everyone thought it a great laugh around the lunch room as the yobbo would do this every morning.

You should have seen the look on the yobbo's face when he boast as proud as a peacock to his mates how he used my towel again an left it dirty with grease. I said thats fine by me "yobbo you didn't see me wipe my @ss on my towel this moring did you?"

My wash room towel was always clean and dry from that day on. No one touched it ever again...

True story....

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

BNAG - that's BANG out of order!!!

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me.
After all,I'm a Scorpio and she's a Bitch.

Q.What do you call an Israeli leader you can't find using a search engine?
A.Benjamin Not-on-Yahoo.

"You know why it's called Jackass?"complained my girlfriend,"Because only Jackass' like you watch it."
"That must be why you like watching Loose Women then..."

I was reading this book today,"The History Of Glue" and I couldn't put it down.

Conjunctivitis.com - That's a site for sore eyes

[JustManuals]

Re: Joke of the Day

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.
Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.
Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?
'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night.
He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

[banginbishop]