Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

So much truth here....

http://i.imgur.com/S3wkpp4.jpg

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man takes his wife and son to the circus, after a while, the dad gets up to get a beer, and the ringmaster parades the elephants out.
"Mommy, Mommy! What's that long pointy thing under the elephant's belly!?" the kid asks.
The mom turns red and says, "Oh, that's nothing, dear."
The dad comes back with his beer and sits down next to his boy. Then mom gets up and goes to the washroom.
"Daddy, daddy! What's that long pointy thing under the elephant's belly!?"
"That's the elephants penis."
"But mom said it was nothing!"
The dad takes a long swig of his beer, pats his boy on the head, and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman..."

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

man goes to the zoo ,he said i am desperate to find a job.the zoo keeper said you have timed it just right ,yesterday the biggest attraction at the zoo,our gorilla died if you want a job put on this gorilla suit and go into his enclosure and act like a gorilla .ok said the bloke .
he puts the suit on and goes into the enclosure and starts climbing up the bars and making gorilla noises then he noticed a rope hanging down so he grabs the rope and starts swinging .higher and higher he went all of a sudden he let go and went flying up in the air.he landed in the lions enclosure and the huge lion started walking towards him.he began to scream out help help .the lion went up to him and said shut up you idiot or we will both get fired

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

still on animals ,the circus owner said to the lion tamer if you dont liven up your act you will have to go .
at the next performance he got the lion to sit on a stool and open his mouth and he put his head in ,the crowd just sat and there was no expressions of excitement.he got mad at the crowd and said ok watch this .he undid his zip and got it out and put it in the lions mouth ,no response from the crowd ,so he hit the lion over the head with it still in his mouth,no response so he started shouting at the crowd ,ok so you dont appreciate my act ,well if anyone in the crowd has the guts to do what i just did i will give you 1000 dollars ,no reply .ok you load of gutless people i will give you five thousand dollars .

little old lady calls out i will do it as long as you dont hit me on the head so hard.

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

New Work Rules:


SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery,
but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his
blood type stored in case the need arose..
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be
found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type.

The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood,
a new BMW, diamonds & $100,000 US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a
corrective surgery procedure.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy
to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a
thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate
his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be
generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only
gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.







The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."




The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."The man perks up.







"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over twenty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.






The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.







"And has she helped you make a decision?"








"Yes" says the man.







"What is your decision?" asks the doctor







"We're getting granite counter tops."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Met an old drunk at the bar, he had a picture of his wife in his shirt pocket. Every hour or so, he'd take it out and look at her. I asked him why and he replied, "As soon as she starts to look pretty, I know it's time to go home."
-----------------------------------------------------------
One day my wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore.
Then I caught her spending $65 on make-up.
I asked her,"How come I have to give up stuff and you don't?"
"The make-up is to make me pretty for you."
"That's what the beer is for."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

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[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Sorry, I hope you'll appreciate a repeat...

SLIDING DOWN THE BANISTER OF LIFE


As You Slide Down the Banister of Life Towards 2014 -- Remember:


1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called .... 'Ministers Do More than Lay People'


2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.


3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.


4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.


5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.


6. I hate sex in the movies, tried it once: The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.


7. It used to be only death and taxes, now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.


8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.


9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.


10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex.


Thought for the day: Be who you are and say what you feel ... because those that matter... don't mind ... and those that mind ...don't matter!


And As You Slide Down that Banister of Life You Should Pray That All The Splinters Are Pointed The Other Way...

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

One more for the day...I know it's been around awhile.

How to piss off a frog - YouTube

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

One more for the day...I know it's been around awhile.

How to piss off a frog - YouTube

I never tire of watching that, it makes me laugh every time

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Banana.jpg

Anyone hungry ?