Joke of the Day

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Here's a new totally automatic filing system for printouts! Rad!

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

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[imthinman]

Re: Joke of the Day

At a copy tech convention a professor decided to gather data on tech sexual activity. So at the podium he asked how many had sex daily and many raised their hands. He then asked once a week many others raised their hands, He then asked once a month and several others raised their hands. The professor noticed one smiling old tech sitting in the front row had not answered so he asked the old tech how often he had sex and once a year was the reply. The professor asked why the old tech was smiling and the old tech shouted out "TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT"

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only
has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

John and Cliff were standing beside each other at the urinal. John happened to glance over and saw the enormous penis Cliff had. He couldn't help but comment about the size. Cliff was very proud of it and said "I get laid every day, and right before I get into bet, I grab my penis and slap it against the bed post 4 times,and that is what made it so big. So that night John goes home , sneaks into his bedroom, takes off his clothes and slaps his penis against the bed post 4 times and on the 4th slap his wife wakes up and ask "Is that you Cliff?

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Policeman has just stopped a drunk driver and given him a breathalyser test.
"I'm sorry sir" says the policeman. "But this bag tells me you've been drinking too much."
"What a coincidence!" exclaims the driver. "I've got a bag at home that does the exact same thing!"

Two dyslexic skier's about to make their first ever descent are stood at the top of a slope. One says to the other: " I can't remember, should we zig zag or zag zig down the slope.?"

The other says: " I can't remember either - let's ask that bloke over there with the sledge." They shuffle over and ask the bloke:
"When you ski down do you zig zag or zag zig?". The man looks at them blankly and says: "Don't ask me, I'm a Tobogganist."
The first skier replies: "Oh really, can I have twenty Rothmans then please?"

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.

Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.
He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.

And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.
Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............

Because we all know how women just love to go shopping for shoes!

"Yeah right!" Al Bundy.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Everyone at the factory knew that the boss was screwing Bob's wife but didn't know how to break it to him. Bob was such a nice guy and real timid. Every afternoon the boss would leave work to go to Bobs house and screw his wife. One afternoon Bob's coworkers convinced him to take off early so he could surprise his wife and take her out to dinner. Bob went home , walked in and heard noise from the bedroom. As he slowly opened the door he saw his boss on top of his wife. He slowly closed the door, left and hurried back to work. He ran back to his work station and started working when a coworker approached and ask what happened. "That was close" he said. "Boss almost caught me leaving early".


Sadly, that joke comes from when I worked night shift at factories. We had a saying... "Call your wife and tell her you are getting off early, or you might get your feelings hurt"

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

walmartgame.jpg

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Only Three ?

OK ....

ROPE
WATER PISTOLS
LIGHTER FLUID


While paying ( cash only ) be sure to look around suspeciously , avoid eye contact with the cashier , ask for the items to be 'double bagged' , then walk quickly to the nearest exit .

Stash these items in your vehicle .

Come back in a few minutes later ... go through the same cashiers line , get some matches or a lighter , strike up a conversation with the cashier , pay with your debit card or credit card . If they ask if you were just in ... give them a confused look , reply " NO " , then smile and wave as you head for the exit .

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

Ok here goes...

Rope
Shower Curtain
Wheelbarrow

If you ask why...I KILL YOU!!!

[habik]

Re: Joke of the Day

50 Shades
Rope
Camcorder

Wink Wink on on cashier :P

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you 're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed......skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.

13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

17. There are two theories to arguing with a woman - Neither one works.

18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative.

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

[ATTACH=CONFIG]20589[/ATTACH]

Some of those combinations really made me laugh, especially the pregnancy test trio LOL

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

More puns...

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I have never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.