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Re: Joke of the Day
old drunk walking down the road and he passed a posh looking woman with a poodle on a diamond studded lead and collar.
he said what are you doing with that pig on a lead.
she said its not a pig its a dog.
i know he said i was talking to the dog.
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Re: Joke of the Day
Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?
Because it's full of Arab semen.Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
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Re: Joke of the Day
A man was driving to work when he was pulled over.
The cop walks up and says "You were doing 62 in a 55. Where are you in such a rush to, son?"
"On my way to work officer."
"Well you must be pretty important to think you can speed in my town" says the officer as he begins to write a ticket.
"Oh, I am, sir." replies the man. "I'm senior asshole stretcher."
The cop stops writing and looks at the man disgustedly. "Boy! What in the hell is an asshole stretcher?"
"Oh, we begin with your typical asshole" says the man showing the cop the side of his clenched fist "and we begin by lightly massaging and working the asshole" he says while rubbing his fingers on the side of his fist and gradually making a hole. "Eventually we can make any asshole easily a foot wide, but, the great ones we can get to five, maybe six feet!"
The cop is now standing on the side of the road jaw agape until he finally musters up enough composure to stutter out "Wha- wha- what in the world would someone do with a six foot asshole?!?"
The man calmly replies "Give him a badge and a radar gun."The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen HawkingComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A man stumbles home from a night of heavy drinking at the pub.
He finds his marital home empty and in darkness. In the kitchen, whilst going for another beer, he spots a note left on the fridge door.
"I'm sorry. I'm staying at my parents for now. This isn't working anymore."
The man, curious, opens the fridge to get his beer and is greeted with the usual light and cool air.
"...what the fuck is she talking about?!"The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen HawkingComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
A wife and husband have been married for 30 years, and they only had sex with the lights off. One night the wife says turn the lights on, the husband says no, and they begin to bang. The wife turns the lights on in the middle of the act, and she sees the husband with a dildo. The wife says can you explain why have you been using a dildo all these years? The husband says I'll explain the dildo if you can explain the kids.The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen HawkingComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Johnny, Mike, and Pete were driving late at night when a cat cut in front of the car. Pete swerved to avoid the cat but plowed right into a tree.
The next thing the men knew, they were in what appeared to be a white and cloudy waiting room. They looked at each other, shocked, and thought that they must be in heaven.
Before they could speak to each other, a loud voice spoke up and called to the first man.
"Pete, report to room 13". the first man nervously looked at his friends and walked down the hallway to room 13.
Pete turned the knob of the door and stepped inside. On the other end of the room was a vicious lion. The lion was roaring, gnashing its teeth, and tearing at the ground.
The loud voice boomed...
"Pete, you have sinned. You must spend 10,000 years in this room before you can enjoy the fruits of heaven."
At that, the door slammed shut and locked. Johnny and Mike couldn't believe their ears. What a terrible fate for their friend, but before they could nervously bicker with each other the voice boomed again.
"Mike, report to room 5."
After hearing this, Mike was terrified. He looked over to Johnny but started inching down the hallway to room 5. When he got there, he turned the knob and walked into the room.
On the other end of the room, there is a pack of huge and ferocious hyenas growling and biting at each other. They were howling wildly and snarling, now bringing their gaze to Mike.
The loud voice boomed...
"Mike, you have sinned. You must spend 50,000 years in this room before you can enjoy the fruits of heaven."
No sooner had the sentence been heard did the door slam shut and lock.
Johnny is standing alone now, terrified. There is no doubt that Pete and Mike were both saints compared to him.
As Johnny is staring down the hallway, the voice booms...
"Johnny, report to room 1."
Johnny looks down at the ground, and as slow as possible shuffles to the big door of room #1. He turns the knob and walks in with his eyes closed.
He opens his eyes and on the other end of the room he sees Scarlett Johansson standing there, naked. He cant believe his eyes, rubbing them in disbelief.
The loud voice booms...
"Scarlett Johansson, you have sinned."The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen HawkingComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
The greatest enemy of knowledge isn't ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. Stephen HawkingComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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