Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

An Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any hair "down there. "
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the entire dart team hadn't!"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two hunters are in the woods. One of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into 2 priest.He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"

[Akitu]

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

My wife just texted me "thespacebuttononmyphoneisbrokencanyougivemeanalte rnative?"

Does anyone know what "ternative" means?





Ninja edit: I'm not sure if the space in the long word is present for anyone else or just myself, but there is not supposed to be a space in that word at all as I typed it up without one, and it shows in the editor as not having any spaces.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

My wife just texted me "thespacebuttononmyphoneisbrokencanyougivemeanalte rnative?"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean ?

Message her back and ask "does 'ternative' mean many times....?"


................................
FYI... Same space character fault in my editor.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

I tried to force feed my child the other day. After a while, my wife said "Just use a fucking spoon, you're not a jedi."

[slimslob]

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

My wife told me "Sex is better on holiday".

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive...

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night whenever you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology and with my promise that it won't ever happen again. The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autospell! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . . . .

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

There was a Texas oil tycoon who was watching his largest oil well going up in flames. He called in the best fire fighting equipment money could buy but there was no way they could get close enough to the intense flames to reach them with their water hose. Finally, out of desperation, he called the local volunteer fire department. They chugged up in their red 1946 truck and passed every one of the state of the art rigs and headed toward the center of the fire. They stopped, jumped out, sprayed each other down with water, and then proceeded to put out the fire. When they were finally finished, the billionaire was so impressed with the crew's dedication and bravery, he awarded the chief with a check for $100,000. Later, a reporter asked the chief what he was going to do with the money. The chief replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix those lousy brakes!"

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

A business man is on an over night train trip with his secretary.
They both retire for the night to their respective rooms.
A short while later the secretary comes in to the mans room and
say "Excuse me Mr Johnson could you plase pass me a blanket?"
Mr Johnson asks "would you like to be Mrs Johnson for the night? "
The secretary thinks for a moment the says,"That would be nice!"
Mr Johnson rolls over and say's "good get your own bloody blanket."