Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman goes to her gynecologist, "What seems to be the problem?" He asks.
Woman: "Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those Aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

That one is going to cost my brother a cold beer..."I bet you I can jump higher than your house...." Emujo

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahua as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two drunken men were driving home.
The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall.
The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you?
Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!!

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

[Lagonda]

Re: Joke of the Day

My copier keeps making this funny purring noise..........

[Lagonda]

Re: Joke of the Day

Allah & The 72 Virgins A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold. When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven. Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because arseholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!" The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

I had a friend ask if he could crash on my couch.

I had to explain to him that I'm married now and that's where I sleep.

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day