Joke of the Day

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The woman starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor, "No, no! Don't remove your clothes. Just stick out your tongue!"

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

man says to his secretary things are really bad at the moment and I will have to lay off one of the staff,
can you tell me who were the last two in .I will interview them before I make my decision
yes she said it was Sandra and jack .he called Sandra in first and said I am sorry but because of
the companies position I will have to lay you or jack off.
she said its the wrong time of the month so you will have to do the other thing.

[Tonerbomb]

Re: Joke of the Day

http://www.youtube.com/embed/G0PekTUmBdY?feature=player_embedded

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A preacher looks out among the people showing up for his service and is disgusted by the appearance of a lot of the men. Poorly dressed, bloodshot eyes barely awake after a night of drinking at the local tavern. It bothers him enough to launch into a real fire and brimstone sermon about the evils of alcohol.

"Just look at yourselves!" he exclaimed. "You should be ashamed. Wasting your life sitting at that house of sin night after night, spending all of your money.You are being taken advantage of. The saloon keeper takes everybody's money and leaves them in the poorhouse, while he lives the good life. You spend all of your money there and have none left for your family! Ask yourself who has the biggest house in town...The saloon keeper! Who drives the nicest car in town...The saloon keeper! Who spends his life hanging around with harlots and loose women...The saloon keeper!

The preacher went on and on about the towns tavern and barkeep til he felt he had driven the message home. On Wednesday he stopped in the diner to have some breakfast and ran into Mr. Jones, one of the members of his congregation. When Mr.Jones saw him, he jumped up and ran over and shook his hand.

"Preacher, I just wanted you to know that your sermon may have changed my life!" said Mr.Jones
"Well that's wonderful" said the preacher, I am glad to hear you are going to quit drinking."
"Oh no sir, that's not it. I went out Monday morning and put a down payment on a saloon!"

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

It's like our Candid Camera from years ago

http://www.youtube.com/embed/G0PekTU...layer_embedded

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.
"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.
"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.
"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.
"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Paddy is an Irish dude with a really bad stutter. He starts work on a high rise construction site.
He asks the boss " w,w,w where s,s,should I s,start w,w,work?"
The boss tells him to head on up to the tenth floor and help the bricklayers.

Paddy is working away doing his job when one of the bricklayers accidentally drops a brick over the side of the building.
The brickie quickly yells "FALLING BRICK!!!"....
In that same moment a millionaire happened to be walking under the building and looked up to see the brick falling just in time to step out of the way.
Extremely over come by the moment the millionaire races up to the tenth floor vigorously shakes the hand of the brickie an offers to buy him a brand new car.
Paddy thinks to himself sheezz that's all right...

The next morning Paddy sees the millionaire walking under the building again, thinking that he might get a new car,he quietly nudges a brick over the edge of the building.
Paddy leans over the scaffold of the building and yells" F,F,F,F....F$&#%: ..... I got him....."

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

they have a new Viagra pill for women

it gives them a wide on

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

they have a new Viagra pill for women

it gives them a wide on

Haha... I just wish it would give their mojo a bit more RPM...

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman are walking in the woods when they stumble across an old sex wizard down on his luck. "Wishes for a tenner!" shouts the wizard. "I'll give you anything you like, but I'm sick and tired of making knobs bigger, so don't ask!"
Without wasting a second, Paddy Englishman hands the wizard a ten pound note. "I want my wife to be ten times more adventurous in bed."
The sex wizard nods. "Uxor non inhibitoris! An easy one! It is done!"
Paddy Scotsman counts out nine pound coins and two 50 pence pieces. "My wife and I are happy enough, but I'm terrified of becoming a grandfather before I'm 50. I'd be obliged if you could fix it so my teenage daughters can't get pregnant before they're 25."
The sex wizard nods. "Filiae non fertilismus! Very wise! It is done!"
The sex wizard turns to Paddy Irishman, who has his hands planted firmly in his pockets and looks ready to move on. "No wish for you?"
"I'll save my tenner," says Paddy Irishman, with a grin. "These boys have me covered!"

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST



I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family.'









And the moral of this story is?











Always keep your condoms in the car

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

newton.jpg

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

And the moral of this story is?
Always keep your condoms in the car

I'm certain this is a duplicate of one of my own from way way back in the thread. Similar premise, mine was not italian - punch line was the same however.

*That's right, because we're on the path to a 200 page thread, we now have to police ourselves to fight duplicates, everyone must accept the role of joke-nazi*.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

[gwaddle]

Re: Joke of the Day

[ATTACH=CONFIG]23739[/ATTACH]

So true.