Joke of the Day

[KapeKopyTek]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was

upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere

quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.'

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,

and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.

I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,

as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant

and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was

distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his

thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.






Husband's Diary:



A Stupid' two-foot putt... who in the world misses a two-foot putt??

Brian, I was going to post this very same joke (with a different punch line), but you beat me to it. My version's punchline under Husbands Diary : Boat motor won't start, can't figure out why.....

[DWise]

Re: Joke of the Day

Truths for Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?) but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice-mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet anything everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

Brian, I was going to post this very same joke (with a different punch line), but you beat me to it. My version's punchline under Husbands Diary : Boat motor won't start, can't figure out why.....

With loads of biker friends, I know it as motor bike won't start...

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

Truths for Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?) but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice-mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet anything everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

I sat there grinning, and nodding in agreement at just about every single one of those

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline... But no, he just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

[Lagonda]

Re: Joke of the Day

Truths for Mature Humans

1. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

1. Had a lot of arguments with Mrs Lagonda over this one. If she can fold a three dimentional object flat and make it look neat witchcraft must be involved somewhere!

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two deer are leaving a gay bar, one turns to the other and says "I can't believe I blew 40 bucks in there!".

[sdrawkcab]

Re: Joke of the Day

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her all the more curious.
Joe noticed his mother's suspicion. "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Julie and I are just roommates."
A week later, Julie came to Joe and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't seem to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it on accident, do you?"
Joe agreed that it was a reasonable possibility, and wrote a letter to his mother inquiring about the ladle. It read, "I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle, nor am I saying you 'did not' take the ladle,' but the fact is it's been missing since you came to dinner last week."
Several weeks later, a reply came.
"I'm not saying you 'do' sleep with Julie, nor am I saying you 'do not' sleep with Julie. The fact is if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now."

[DWise]

Re: Joke of the Day

Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her all the more curious.
Joe noticed his mother's suspicion. "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Julie and I are just roommates."
A week later, Julie came to Joe and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't seem to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it on accident, do you?"
Joe agreed that it was a reasonable possibility, and wrote a letter to his mother inquiring about the ladle. It read, "I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle, nor am I saying you 'did not' take the ladle,' but the fact is it's been missing since you came to dinner last week."
Several weeks later, a reply came.
"I'm not saying you 'do' sleep with Julie, nor am I saying you 'do not' sleep with Julie. The fact is if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now."

You're slipping again Akitu... This one has been done before.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

You're slipping again Akitu... This one has been done before.

You gotta be shitting me? We're at 160 pages here folks, cut me some slack!

Thanks for the heads up.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

[sdrawkcab]

Re: Joke of the Day

Isaac Schwartz is on his deathbed.

He knows the end is near so he asks a nurse to summon his wife, his daughter and two sons.

"So",he says to them:

"Bernie, when I’m gone, I want you to take the houses in East Melbourne."

"Sybil, you can take the apartments in Carlton."

"Hymie, I want you to take the office buildings in the CBD."

"Sarah, my dear wife, I want you to take the shops and the Hotels."

The nurse is just blown away by all this - and as Isaac slips away, she says ,

"Mrs.Schwartz, your husband was clearly a most successful businessman to accumulate all these investment properties".

"Investment properties?” she snarls “The schmuck does a paper round!"

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

he is sitting next to the bed talking to his wife who is on her last legs.
he said how come you have $100.000 in your bank account .she said look under the bed .
under the bed was an egg carton so he pulled it out and opened it and there was 3 eggs .he said whats the three eggs got to do with you having $100.000 in your savings account.she said every time I was unfaithfull to you I put an egg in the box .well he said that's not bad if you have only been unfaithfull three times.

no she said, everytime I got a dozen eggs I sold them

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde. The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."