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"You can't trust your eyes, if your mind is out of focus" --
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Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
An impressive building has a large stone on its frontage inscribed with the words: ''This stone was laid by Her Majesty on the...of...''.
A chicken reads this, measures the stone with its wings, scratches its head and says: ''I don't believe it!''.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
After coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you."
Man: "No sir, I was going a little over 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80."
(The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You've known about that tail light for weeks."
(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Officer, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You never wear your seat belt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"
The officer looks at the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No, officer. Only when he's drunk."Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
I have sexdaily, I mean dyslexia.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
English is hard... Let me show you
Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning.
A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture..
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong for me to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell.
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?
Do for one what you wished you could do for everyone. - Andy StanleyComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Well, if it is sing sang sung the why not ding dang dung? Or swim swam swum why dim dam dum?
Try saying this tongue twister really fast: Polish it in the corner.Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard,
he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, heaccidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully,
'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know thisComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......They call me Supertech for a reasonComment
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Re: Joke of the Day
The Obamacare website has been fixed. Make sure you click the Apply Now tab
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Re: Joke of the Day
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Jack and Coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man, looking confused, asks, "What's this?" The bartender replies, "Take a bite out of the apple." The man does and surprised, he says, "Wow, this tastes like Jack Daniels!" The bartender says, "Now turn it around." The man does and takes another bite, "...and this side tastes like Coke!"
Another man walks in and asks for a Gin and Tonic. Again, the bartender hands him an apple and tells him to take a bite out of one side and then another. The man is amazed, "This tastes like Gin and Tonic!"
A third man walks in and the previous two men tell him, "The bartender will give you an apple that tastes like anything you want!" The third man, looking skeptical says, "Oh, really?" He looks at the bar tender and asks, "Do you have an apple that tastes like pussy?"
The bartender hands him an apple and tells him to take a bite. The third man bites into the apple and quickly spits it out, "THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!!"
The bartender says, "Turn it around..."Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
The mafia leader tells his right hand man to "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out." Then he hands him a plastic cup. Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out. The Mafia leader says, "Good, good. Now do it again. Don't forget to bring it out." The Mafia leader hands him a new cup. So the guy goes back into the bathroom and does the same thing. He walks out with much less in the cup than the first time. The Mafia leader sees this and says, "Very good, very good. Do it one more time." He hands him a new cup and the guy goes back into the bathroom. He comes out and there's only a tiny drop in the cup. The Mafia leader now says, "Alright Steve, I want you to drive my daughter to Manhattan."Cthulhu for president! Why settle for the lesser evil?Comment
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"The Serenity Prayer" . . .
God grant me the serenity to accept stupid people , the courage to not waste my time and energy on them , and the wisdom to know that I cannot fix STUPID .Comment
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Re: Joke of the Day
B4 I met my wife I dated a few girls. One time I took an Amish girl to the drive-in. While things were escalating in the back seat her cell phone rang. I thought to myself I don't think she is really Amish as they shun most technology. Sure enough! the next day I found out she was just an ordinary girl with a beard!
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