Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault."

[Tonerbomb]

Re: Joke of the Day

and what did the lepper say to the prostitute??????????????????????????????????????








Keep the tip !!!!!!

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! " she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake."

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A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently. "
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked
............
"Is that one word or two?"

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

Good reason not to text some people.

Wife Texts Husband:

"Windows Frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"Computer is really screwed up now."

[DWise]

Re: Joke of the Day

and what did the lepper say to the prostitute??????????????????????????????????????








Keep the tip !!!!!!

This joke should have been in the "Horrible Joke of the Day" thread...

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

http://dontpkethebear.com/25-funny-auto-correct-fails/

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A young man had just got a job at an electrical store and was to start work on Monday. Unfortunately, he called in sick for the day. The boss was a little annoyed but decided that shit happens and let it go.
The guy came in Tuesday and sold a stack of electronics, and continued on for the rest of the week selling record amounts of computers and TVs and other goods.
The following Monday, the boss got a call - it was the new employee calling in. "Sorry boss - I'm really sick!" The boss was getting more annoyed with him.
Tuesday the young guy was in and selling even more than last week. He finished up the week making a new record for sales for his state.
Next Monday the new guy called in sick again and the boss decided it was time for a chat with him.
So on Tuesday the guy rocks up to work and the boss pulls him aside. "Bob, you're a great salesman, but you keep calling in sick on Mondays - What's going on?"
"Well boss. My sister's just gone through an awful divorce and she calls me every Monday morning crying, so I go over to her house and comfort her. We always wind up making love for the rest of the day..."
"THAT'S SICK!"
"I told you..."

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnames

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

[/COLOR]

I almost posted this one myself but didn't think it would be so successful. Bah! S'good.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

WALKING ON THE GRASS
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

[MjarbarV2.0]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two blokes walk into a bar. The third one ducks

I have to admit I still miss my ex-girlfriend....but my aim is improving.

Really frustrated. I went to the library and asked the librarian, "Where's the self-help section". She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.

It's been a while since I have been on here but my jokes haven't got any better

[ZOOTECH]

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

I thought this was funny, hopefully you will too...

http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2014/2/11/how-to-figure-out-what-they-meant-by-that.html