Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant. "Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

irish man on a beach and he said to his mate all these lovely women and they don't even notice me ,how come they notice you.

his mate said I stuff a potato down my bathers and the girls cant stop looking at me.ok he said I will try that.

next day he said to his mate how did you get on .it was even worse he said ,they totally ignored me and a couple even looked like they were going to throw up .

his mate had a look and said you put the potato down the front of your bathers NOT THE BACK

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

Your gonna hate yourself when you find it.....
Hint : Zoom into the label image until it's A4 in size.
If I say any more it will give it away. My previous post tells it all.
Your on the right track...

I'm so glad the irony has been revealed for all the world to see, and quite relieved that it just wasn't funny. I was beginning to think I was being even denser than usual.

[Tonerbomb]

Re: Joke of the Day

I'm so glad the irony has been revealed for all the world to see, and quite relieved that it just wasn't funny. I was beginning to think I was being even denser than usual.

WE all have those moments!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

I'm so glad the irony has been revealed for all the world to see, and quite relieved that it just wasn't funny. I was beginning to think I was being even denser than usual.

Maybe it would have been more prudent to put this one in the "Ricoh Joke of the day" thread. I still don't get it...Emujo

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Maybe it would have been more prudent to put this one in the "Ricoh Joke of the day" thread. I still don't get it...Emujo

I've narrowed it down to two possibilities - either the mag roller is coated in black dev and the label indicates it's a yellow dev unit; or the label reads "MGAY" and it's chuckle-worthy at best.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two silkworms were in a race... It ended in a tie.

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two silkworms were in a race... It ended in a tie.

At last, a funny joke, and not comments about an unfunny label

[MjarbarV2.0]

Re: Joke of the Day

A gay man said to his partner: "My asshole's really hurting. Any idea what it is?
"Ring Sting" replied his partner.
"Why, do you think he'll know?"

I asked my deaf-mute neighbour to stop parking his car across the entrance to my drive. He got really angry. You should have seen the language.

Puns about monorails always make for decent one-liners.

Three times last week, a guy knocked on my door trying to get me to buy a jet washer. I hate high-pressure salesmen.

What did the turtle tell the police after being attacked by a gang of snails? "Where do I start, It all happened so fast."

A guy in London last week had sex with a model...which led to him being thrown out of Madame Tussaud's.

[Akitu]

[Mr.Claire]

Re: Joke of the Day

LLast week Miss Smith checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a Loonie off his well oiled bum... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?..." Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I saw your ad in the yellow pages and understand you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to dial “9” for an outside line Miss Smith."
ast week Miss Smith checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a loonie off his well oiled bum... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?..." Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I saw your ad in the yellow pages and understand you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to dial “9” for an outside line Miss Smith."

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

a young boy starts his first job at a chemist ,he gets to unpack the new deliveries and put all the medicines on the shelf.
at lunchtime the chemist said I am popping out to get some lunch and I will only be half an hour.i don't want you selling any medicines while I am away.
when he got back he said to the boy is everything ok,yes said the boy.did you sell anything ,yes said the boy a man came in with a cough so I made him some cough mixture.oh dear said the chemist what did you make.he said I got a bar of exlax and melted it down then ground up some senna pods and mixed them in ,topped it all up with liquid paraffin and he went off very happy.
that's no good for a cough said the chemist .
it is said the boy ,look he is outside hanging on to a lamp post and he too frightened to cough

[JustManuals]

Re: Joke of the Day - The 2 Cows.........

TWO COWS




SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour


COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk


FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk


NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you


BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income


ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.


SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.


A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.


A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.


A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.


A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

Guys and Gals.........One of the things I do on Facebook is administer a jokes&funnys group. If you're interested the link is:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/jokesandfunnys/ . It's a closed group but I admit everyone except my ex-wife. Hope to see you there.

Paul

[JustManuals]

Re: Joke of the Day

angina.JPG


Click on the pic to enlarge.

[JustManuals]

Re: Joke of the Day

This was just posted in my jokes&funnys group on Facebook:

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner, unannounced, at 5:30pm after
work.
His wife begins screaming at him, while his friend just sits and listens.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done.
I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him unannounced to our home?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."