Joke of the Day

[Tonerbomb]

Re: Joke of the Day

So Cinderella was crying, when her fairy godmother shows up. She asks poor Cinderella, "What's troubling you, my dear?" "My sisters have all gone to the ball, but I can't! I have nothing to wear and no way to go..." cried Cinderella. "Oh fret not. Let me handle this for you," said the fairy godmother. "But first, you have to bring me all the pumpkins you can find."
So Cinderella set off to look for all pumpkins she could find and rolled them back. Then her fairy godmother turned 1 into a beautiful golden carriage, 2 into majestic stallions, 2 into a beautiful pair of glass slippers and 1 into the most elegant and gorgeous white gown you could ever imagine. But Cinderella kept on crying.
"Why are you still troubled, sweetie? You've got everything you need to go to the ball!"
"But I... I... I'm on my period now. I can't wear that white dress," replied Cinderella.
"Don't worry honey," said her fairy godmother, and she turned to look at the garden, only to find the largest pumpkin left, which she turned into a tampon.
And at midnight, Cinderella died.

Squeezed one in before the end of the work day!

So much for the happy ending..........................

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Ricoh's new Point-to-Point Wiring Diagram - to go along with their 3D parts catalog.
[ATTACH=CONFIG]24070[/ATTACH]

Is that a FLUX Capacitor , Head Phones ,
and the old TV Test Pattern LOGO in there too?

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Missed yesterday's post, out sick. Here's a new joke for today!

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain, and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked," Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening. " You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to our neighbor, Sam. When he gave back the costume, he said he had the time of his life"!

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your Prostate today, but this new procedure is a little
Different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy obeys and says,
"99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side
And again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,
'99".
Again, the old guy says,
'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy begins,
"One...Two… Three…"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."

[Lagonda]

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man received the following text from
his neighbor:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I
have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, dayand night when you're not around. In fact, more than
you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will
accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it
won't happen again."
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom,
grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed
her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man received the following text from
his neighbor:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I
have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, dayand night when you're not around. In fact, more than
you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will
accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it
won't happen again."
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom,
grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed
her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

Geez, Brian, I posted this 2 days ago - do you have short term memory loss?

[DWise]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man received the following text from
his neighbor:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I
have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, dayand night when you're not around. In fact, more than
you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will
accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it
won't happen again."
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom,
grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed
her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

This was posted earlier this week (or late last week)... [Dang, ZOOTECH beat me to it]

[slimslob]

Re: Joke of the Day

Geez, Brian, I posted this 2 days ago - do you have short term memory loss?

Saved me having to post a deja vu.

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?'
'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Trevor. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'
The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners!'.

Did he have Blonde hair too ?

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

little boy in the bath and mum hears a lot of splashing ,a bit worried she goes into the bathroom and there he is
tugging away.she said what do you think you are doing.

he said its mine and I can wash it as quick as I like

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

a man goes to a golf course to learn how to play golf .the professional said to him to start with I want you to hit the ball towards that flag in the distance ,the object being to get the ball in the hole that the flag is placed in.ok said the man I will give it a go.
he hit the ball and got a hole in one.the professional said that was incredible try it again .so he did and got another hole in one.
the professional said how are you doing that.he said its my special glasses,the golf pro said what do you mean ?
he said with these glasses I can see big things and little things so I look down the course and see a big hole and a little hole and a big ball and a little ball.
so I hit the little ball into the big hole.well said the pro do you mind if I try them no said the man give them a go.he put them on and lo and behold there was a huge hole and a little hole and a huge ball and a little ball ,so he hit the little ball into the huge hole and got a hole in one.
that is incredible said the pro can I try again ,yes said the man .the pro said first I must go and take a leak.when he came back the front of his trousers were soaking.
what happened said the man .well said the pro I got it out and saw a huge one and a little one,i knew the huge one wasn't mine so I put it back in my trousers.

[Akitu]

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Financial Planning

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away..

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later,
>
>
>
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she became his stepmother.


Women are so much better at financial planning than men.