Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Astronomical Observations::

Said the Teacher to Tommy while studying the stars, "Have you seen Mars..."? Said Tommy to Teacher looking so cute, "I have'nt seen Ma's but Pa's got a beaut"...

I think we need a "this one's really funny if you can figure it out category"...BTW I don't get it..Emujo

Ma = Mother, Pa = father... Astronomical means f#%&ing huge....

[Lagonda]

Re: Joke of the Day

I think we need a "this one's really funny if you can figure it out category"...BTW I don't get it..Emujo

Try this one for size!

Tommy asked his parents for a watch for Christmas, so they let him!

[emujo]

Re: Joke of the Day

Ma = Mother, Pa = father... Astronomical means f#%&ing huge....

Nope, still don't have a clue. This is like the Ricoh yellow developer station someone submitted way back. Very funny to the poster, but those of us out of the loop....Emujo

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man and his wife go golfing, and on the 8th hole he shanks the ball into a nearby barn. "Darn it," he says, "I'll have to take a penalty on that ball."
"No you don't," his wife says. "If I stand here and hold the barn door open, you should be able to get to the green in two."
So she holds the door open, and he takes his swing. The ball hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.
A year to the day passes and it finds the golfer back on the same course, this time playing with a co-worker. As luck would have it, he shanks it again and ends up in the same barn.
"Don't worry," says the co-worker, "I can hold the door open and you'll be back on the fairway like that."
"Oh no," the golfer says, "I did the exact same thing a year ago with terrible results."
"What was that?" the co-worker asks.
"I got a 4 over," the golfer says.

[Coptech]

Re: Joke of the Day

3 legged dog hobbles into a saloon and says "I'm lookin for the man that shot my paw"

Gonna have to be old enough to remember some old western movies to get this one.

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Apple.jpg

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Suspended.jpg

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Dad'sJob.jpg

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man walks into the doctor's office stating "Doc, I haven't had a shit in weeks". The doctor, does a normal check up, and upon finding the man to be okay, prescribes him some laxatives.
Two weeks later, the same guy walks into the office saying "Doc, I still can't shit". The doctor does another check up on him, and this time prescribes him some extremely powerful laxatives.
Another two weeks pass and the same guy walks in saying, "Doc, I still can't shit". Fearing the worst, the doctor then starts asking him about his family history and his background.
The doctor then gets to the question, "What's your occupation?"
"Well I'm a artist," he states. "A painter by trade."
The doctor then laughs, "That makes sense! Here's five dollars, go eat something".

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Teacher arrested

Thank Heaven for people like this keeping us safe...A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

[NeoMatrix]

Re: Joke of the Day

Yeah I heard that KFC was tightening up it's production policies... Straight from Colonel Sanders. ... maybe not....

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were gone, heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had finished the cider and the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the liquor bottle, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa stomped to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

bloke gets in a second hand dealer to clear out his attic.the dealer said I will have a look first to see if anything is worth buying.
he came down from the attic and said well you have a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. wonderful said the man they must be worth millions.
no said the dealer they are worth nothing, Rembrandt makes a crappy violin and I wouldn't even let Stradivarius paint my fence.