Joke of the Day

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

It seems there were three monks who enjoyed raising plants and were trying to keep a flower shop running, selling unique and exotic plant life.
One day, some children where playing behind the shop and were eaten whole by an extremely rare man-eating plant.
The parents, needless to say, were outraged, and demanded that the friars get rid of the dangerous plant. The friars refused.
So the parents and the people of the town tried several ways to get the friars to consent, but finally they had to ask Hugh, the town blacksmith, (undoubtably the strongest man around), to run the friars out of town.
The Moral is : "Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!"



There was a teller at a bank, Ms. Jane Paddywack, who was trying to make it through her last couple customers and get out to lunch, when a small frog came jumping up the line, and up to her window.
"I'd like to get a lilly-pad renovation loan"
Well, a bit suprised, but a capably woman, she replied, "I'll have
to see some collateral first"
"Of course," said the frog, and proceed to drag up to the window a large ivory statue of a, a, a THING. She didn't even know how to describe it, let alone know what it was. So she brought it back to Mr. Stein, the bank manager. He had been at the bank for a while, and had seen the frog come in for numerous loans before, so he simply replied...
"IT'S A KNICK-KNACK, PADDYWACK. GIVE THE FROG A LOAN!"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Blonde Story
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already '"the startled husband asked.
Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!"

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

I love this one, and so true

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[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Scotsman was sitting in a bar in Cuba, minding his own business, when a man with a bushy black beard walked in. The man went up to the bar and ordered a shot of whisky. After knocking it back, he headed for the door.
"Hey" said the bartender. "aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man turned round and replied: "Excuse me, Castro's Army.
"Sorry" said the bartender. "That's fine."
And the man left without having to pay.

A few minutes later another man with a bushy black beard walked in and did exactly as the previous guy. Ordered a shot of whisky, drank it, headed for the door, asked if he was going to pay, turned round and said "Excuse me, Castro's Army, and was allowed to leave with no hassle by the barman.

Having observed all this, the Scotsman had an idea. He walked up to the bar, ordered a whisky and after drinking it, he headed for the door. "Hey" yelled the barman. "Aren't you going to pay for that?"
The Scotsman turned round and said: "Excuse me, Castro's Army"
Where's your bushy black beard?" asked the barman.
Thinking quickly the Scotsman lifted his kilt and said: "Secret Service."

[gwaddle]

Re: Joke of the Day

Been there, done that.

[gwaddle]

Re: Joke of the Day

They were so polite back in the day.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near J.C.Pennys and she was crying her eyes out.
I stopped and asked her what was wrong, and she said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee."
I said :"Well, then why are you crying?" She said: "he makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."
I said; "Well, so why are you crying?" She said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2 a.m."
I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!!!!!!"

[Debs1964]

Re: Joke of the Day

Do you think my diet is working

shorts.jpg

[Kidaver]

Re: Joke of the Day

Do you think my diet is working

[ATTACH=CONFIG]20529[/ATTACH]

MUFFINS!

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

A woman speeding down the highway North Carolina looks in her rear view mirror and sees a blue light. She pulls over and sees the State Trooper walking up to her car with his ticket book in hand. As he approaches he ask "ma'am do you know why I stopped you?" She replies "I bet you want to sell me a ticket to the North Carolina State Troopers ball." He replies "Ma'am North Carolina Troopers don't have balls!"

There is a moment of silence before the trooper closes his ticket book,goes back to car and leaves.

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two blondes from New York were driving down the interstate on their way to Florida when they were pulled over in North Carolina. The trooper walks up to the car and taps on the window and ask to see the drivers licence. She rolls the window down a bit and hands it to him.The trooper looks at it, then looks at the driver and ask "Ma'am are you a natural blonde?" "Yes sir, I am" she replied. The trooper the unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock and tapped on the window again. The driver looked at it then looked at her friend and said "Damn it, it's another one of those Southern breathalyzer test!"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

What do you call a salesman who doesn't lie to the customers and knows the product thoroughly?

A... a tech

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

- Just came back from Sweden...
- Sweden? Man, that's a fucked up country! It's nothing but whores and soccer players...
- Hey! My wife is swedish!
- Interesting! And in what team did she use to play?

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.

Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.
He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.

And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.
Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............

Because we all know how women just love to go shopping for shoes!

[gwaddle]

Re: Joke of the Day

Had to do it.