Joke of the Day

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

she went to the golf club and said to the golf pro ,my husband is a golf fanatic and he spends all his spare time playing golf and i would like to be able to play could you teach me.
of course i can grab that golf club and a ball and we will start.first put your ball on the tee and you have to hit the ball towards that flag that you can see in the distance .he showed her how to swing the club and she took a swing and the ball took a sharp dive to the left .not bad he said but you are gripping the club to tight ,try again .she took another swing and the ball went flying to the right .
not bad he said but you are still gripping the club too tight .try again but hold the club like you are making love to your husband.
she took another swing and got a hole in one.
brilliant he said ,now i want you to try it again and this time take the club out of your mouth.



.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

So a politician dies...
And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissappears...
And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging bread sticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep...
And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulfurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

The new Pope decides to visit the U.S. His plane lands at JFK airport, and a limo from the New York Archdiocese is sent to pick him up and bring him into Manhattan.
On the drive, the Pope rolls down the window between him and the driver, and asks if he can drive the limo, explaining how he had never driven anything like that.
The driver says, "Your Eminence, I couldn't possibly let you drive, and I'd lose my job if I were to let you!
They continue on, and shortly the limo stops at a traffic light. The Pope jumps out, opens the driver's door and says, "Slide over, I'm driving!"
The Pope starts driving erratically, speeding, and running stop signs. The limo passes a cop car, and the older cop driving says to his partner, "I'm going to throw the book at this guy!"
The cops finally get the limo to pull over, and the older cop goes up to the driver's door, says a few words, and the limo speeds off once again.
The cop returns to his patrol car, and the younger cop asks, "What happened, I thought you were going to arrest him!"
The older cop says, "I can't. He's too big for us!" The other cop asks, "Who was it, the Mayor?" "Bigger", replies the first cop. "Was it the Governor?", the cop asks. "Bigger!"
"You mean it was the President?" "Bigger!" replies the first cop.
The second cop asks, "Who could be bigger that the President?"
The first cop finally says, "I'm not quite certain who it was..... but the Pope was his driver!"

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached her cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday school' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk,
so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A young woman from New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

One of the doctors at the Med training group just told me this one.

Q.. Why are politicians the easiest patients to operate on?


A.. When you cut them open, they have no guts, no spine and their heads and asses are interchangeable.

[kyrenecopy]

Re: Joke of the Day

A young woman from New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Good blond joke!

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

the hospital phone rang ,it was a frail little old ladies voice .she said can you tell me how mary smith in ward d and bed nine is .
the nurse said i will just put you on hold for a minute.
when she came back on line she said, the good news is marys is doing very well and she will be going home tommorrow lunchtime
i really shouldnt discuss patients with anyone but a relative ,are you a relative.
no said the old lady i am mary smith but they dont tell you bugger all in here.

[habik]

Re: Joke of the Day

the hospital phone rang ,it was a frail little old ladies voice .she said can you tell me how mary smith in ward d and bed nine is .
the nurse said i will just put you on hold for a minute.
when she came back on line she said, the good news is marys is doing very well and she will be going home tommorrow lunchtime
i really shouldnt discuss patients with anyone but a relative ,are you a relative.
no said the old lady i am mary smith but they dont tell you bugger all in here.

Clever!!!

[Shadow]

Re: Joke of the Day

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
..
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
" I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your E-mail!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the "hair remover".
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

[habik]

Re: Joke of the Day

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
..
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
" I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your E-mail!"

Absolutely epic

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."

[Iowatech]

Re: Joke of the Day

Funny April Fools prank:
Smoke re-concentrator refurbishes blown electronic components | EE Times
Stupid magic smoke.

[Akitu]