Joke of the Day

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

While trying on a jeans, a wife asks her husband.
Wife: "Darling, do I look fat in these jeans?"
Husband: "Can I be honest with you? Promise me you won't get mad."
Wife: "Sure darling, go ahead, I won't be angry."
Husband: "I fucked your sister."

[habik]

Re: Joke of the Day

While trying on a jeans, a wife asks her husband.
Wife: "Darling, do I look fat in these jeans?"
Husband: "Can I be honest with you? Promise me you won't get mad."
Wife: "Sure darling, go ahead, I won't be angry."
Husband: "I fucked your sister."

Quality!

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

woman goes to the doctor and asks if she can get a hearing aid.
what for said the doctor. because i am fed up with sex she said.
whats a hearing aid got to do with sex said the doctor.
well she said every night when we go to bed my husband says do you want to go to sleep or what and i keep saying WHAT

[Phrag]

Re: Joke of the Day

Maybe this is the illegetimate daughter of angela gossow (Arch Enemy)?

Very fine, little girl, keep the good work up

That was my first thought when I saw that video the other day, on facebook. Needless to say, Jaw touched floor. Good thing she got through though.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!"

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

a coach pulls up at a country pub. one of the passengers goes into the pub and says to the landlord i have a couch of thirty people from the asylum up the road and we are on a day out .when they order a drink they will pay with bottle tops but if you write down what they drink i will pay you when we leave ,will that be ok.
sure said the landlord that will not be a problem .so they all crowd into the pub and started drinking beer wine and spirits.after a couple of hours they made their way back to the coach and the man went to the bar and said ok how much do i owe you .$200 dollars said the landlord.ok said the man ,have you got change of a drain cover

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

If a stork brings white babies, and a black bird brings black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A swallow...

[Brian8506]

Re: Joke of the Day

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deans gate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.







The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

A man walks into the doctor's office.
Patient: "Doc, I'm having trouble getting an erection"
Doctor: "Geeze, I really don't know how I can help you with that..."
Doctor: "I guess I could find you a more attractive doctor".

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

Man walks into a pet store and sees a sign for a "Toothless Gerbil, $200"

"Wow" he says, that's a lot for a gerbil with no teeth.

The clerk comes over and says "let me show you why, open your zipper."

He places the gerbil in the mans pants and it gives him the best blow job he has ever had.

An hour later, the man walks into his kitchen and throws the gerbil down on the floor at his wifes feet.

She screamed and jumped up on the counter, "what the hell is that?"

Her husband replied, "it doesn't mater, teach it to cook, and get the fuck out!"

[habik]

Re: Joke of the Day

Man walks into a pet store and sees a sign for a "Toothless Gerbil, $200"

"Wow" he says, that's a lot for a gerbil with no teeth.

The clerk comes over and says "let me show you why, open your zipper."

He places the gerbil in the mans pants and it gives him the best blow job he has ever had.

An hour later, the man walks into his kitchen and throws the gerbil down on the floor at his wifes feet.

She screamed and jumped up on the counter, "what the hell is that?"

Her husband replied, "it doesn't mater, teach it to cook, and get the fuck out!"

My ex-girlfriend told me to teach our dog to drive, I told her she was nuts. I wonder..

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

My girlfriend said we had to make sacrifices if we both wanted our relationship to work. For some reason she wasn't overly impressed with the dead goat in the kitchen.

An Eskimo is driving through the frozen wastes when his car breaks down and he has to push it to the nearest garage.
While he's waiting for his car to be fixed, he buys a vanilla cornet from the garage shop.
The mechanic calls him over, so the he gulps down his snack as quickly as he can and walks to the car.
The mechanic gestures at the car's engine and says: "Looks like you blew a seal."
The Eskimo wipes his mouth and says: "Nah, It's just Ice-cream."

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery:


"Accept this sacrifice, oh Great Lord of Darkness."

"Anyone know what this is doing in here."

"Better save that: we'll need it for the autopsy."

"Could you stop that thing from beating? I'm trying to concentrate here"

"Damn it! There go the lights again..."

"Did this patient sign the organ donation card?"

"Don't worry; I'm sure it'll be sharp enough."

"Rex! Rex! Come back with that! Bad dog!"

"Hand me that...uh...that...uh...whatdyoucallit."

"Wait a minute; If that's his spleen. then what the hell's this."

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Abe and Esther Goldberg were flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we are going to attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and we will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?" "Oy no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?," he asks. "God forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss ever in their 40 long years of marriage.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why do you kiss me?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

[ZOOTECH]

Re: Joke of the Day

Golf Nut



Ed & Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.
Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant.
While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.
I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket
and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.
In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as
you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other,
you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."