Joke of the Day

[banginbishop]

Re: Joke of the Day

My girlfriend takes me by the hand and leads me down to the games room.

She gets on top of the snooker table and onto her hands and knees.

She's got on a skirt and I can see she's not wearing any knickers.

She says, "Pink or brown. Take your pick."

I said, "How the fuck can I play snooker when you're on the table?!"

Stupid cow.

In America, flipping the bird means an offensive gesture using your middle finger.

In Britain, flipping the bird means it's time for anal.

[Shadow1]

Re: Joke of the Day

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch and sit with the workers. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile she walked up to the group and asked, "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. very confused..

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back,"Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

[banginbishop]

Re: Joke of the Day

My girlfriend was gutted when I told her I wanted to end our relationship.

She pulled me to her and buried her head in my neck, crying on my shoulder whilst rubbing my groin area with her hand.

I said "You are making this hard for me"

Now I'm not saying my ex was a whore, but I nicknamed her legs Tesco Express.

Open 24/7 and no matter what time you visited, a fucking tramp was in there. sorry coud not resist that one for obvious reasons

[mjarbar]

Re: Joke of the Day

The National Poetry contest in the States had come down to the last two competitors, a Yale graduate, and a Redneck from Alabama.
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was "Timbuktu." First to recite was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the mike and said:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu."

The crowd went wild. No way the Redneck could top that, they thought.

The Redneck calmly made his way to the mike and recited:

"Me and Tim a-huntin went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."

The Redneck won hands down!

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Lessons I've learned...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

[gwaddle]

Re: Joke of the Day

There are some people who simply should not reproduce.

[Zackuth]

Re: Joke of the Day

There are some people who simply should not reproduce.

I agree!!! Not Bat-Girl outfit??? What was she thinking?

[blsquires]

Re: Joke of the Day

two old tramps were walking down the street in the morning .one said to the other have you crapped ,no said the other tramp .it got warmer towards the afternoon and the first tramp said phew are you sure you havnt crapped .no said the other tramp .by late afternoon it was boiling hot and the first tramp said i think your lying show me your undies .the first tramp dropped his pants and there it was a huge mahogony log .the other tramp said i thought you hadnt crapped .the first tramp said sorry i thought you meant today.

[nmfaxman]

Re: Joke of the Day

A blond and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.

Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the redhead escapes.

When they realize what has happened, the terrorists come back to where the blond is still standing. They raise their rifles, and thinking quickly, the blond points and yells, "Fire!"

[fixthecopier]

Re: Joke of the Day

An old woman who was very horny found herself at the grocery store staring at a young good looking bagger. She decides to put the moves on him so as they are walking out to her car she looks at him and says "You know I have an itchy pussy"? "Just point to it lady, all those Japanese cars look alike", he replied.

[Akitu]

Re: Joke of the Day

Virus types:

CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, them emails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS
(A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").
DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy .
PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

[mrwho]

Re: Joke of the Day

Q: What do you say to a man with five penises?

A: Your jeans fit like a glove.

[HenryT2]

Re: Joke of the Day

Virus types:

You forgot the Amish Virus ...

Thou hast just received the Amish Virus.

[banginbishop]

Re: Joke of the Day

I bumped into my mate in the pub last night who was looking a bit glum, so I asked him what was up.

"Well, I can't afford anything anymore so I've had to cancel my golf and gym memberships, my Sky TV package and had to cut down on fags to 20 a week" he sighed.

"Because of the recession?" I asked.

"No" he replied. "I've been forced off benefits and made to get a fucking job."

all credits to sickipedia

[banginbishop]